My attempt to be socially relevant

This morning Yahoo News had an article about a woman who lived in the bathroom and her skin grew to her toilet seat. The fire department had to bust the seat off the toilet so it could be transported to the hospital with her. Before I read the whole article, my instinct was to giggle because of the toilet seat. I am juvenile and thus have that kind of humor.

But after reading it, I felt a little sad. Because most people who read it will have that initial reaction.

Apparently, this lady was beaten as a child. Her mother passed away early in her life and whoever "raised" her kept her inside the majority of the time. Although she was living with her boyfriend of 16 years, this 35 year old woman decided the bathroom was a "safe place". That she would just hang out in there and continue her life from there for two years. The boyfriend said he tried to coax her out everyday and they continued to converse and carry on like normal, except in the bathroom.

There are so many reasons why we as people don't notice these things. We have busy lives. We have committments and deadlines and kids and jobs. But at some point this woman was an abused child. And it was allowed to go on. And no one stepped in and got her to a safe place. She had to create one in her bathroom at age 35. And it was an illusion. One that may have caused her to have an infection in her legs that damaged nerves that will cause her to be in a wheelchair.

This is what I would ask of us. Be aware. If you have a funny feeling about something, perk up and pay attention. And don't be reluctant to REPORT behavior and treatment that could cause a child to grow up and need a "safe place". The people who mistreat children in so many varied ways COUNT on people being disinterested, distracted, reluctant, and nervous about interfering. It's the only way they can continue to behave that way without fear of consequence.

In that vein, but with no pressure, there is a new class for potential volunteers in the CASA program that is set to begin March 25th. If you are interested in finding out more about the program or would like to participate, I will be happy to give you any information you need.

*clears throat and leaps off of soapbox*

Every day I wake up is a great day

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday and I thank all of you for the calls, cards, and general good vibes. I was able to spend the whole day driving around with my hubby having grownup conversations and pretending to be childfree. Dinner was wonderful and shared with two of the most decent, sweet, funny, loving, yet wily people I know. Thank you! They even told me I was beautiful last night, which I believed for the whole evening, most likely due to the daquiri I had with dinner. LOL. March is a big month for birthdays in my extended family and friend set, so a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to: Penny (kiss, kiss!), Robin, Dot (my little muffin), my brother, Shannon, and a kiss and hug to the big party in the sky for my Grandpa Charlie.

Internet Hijinx

Alrighty peeps. Here is a tale of the most bizarre thing I have ever had happen to me personally.

You may have recently seen my post about my childhood friend, Laura. I was excited because she was coming to town and I was going to see her again after a number of years. The time came and passed that she was to be in town. The dates she had sent me that she would be able to meet with me arrived and the phone never rang. I was concerned, but knew she was supposed to be visiting family and probably got tied up. I also figured she was a grownup who wasn't in any danger and didn't need me to track her down like a loon. So I sent her message and said I was sorry she hadn't had time to see me, that I missed her, but I understood. No response. I thought "Maybe she isn't back home yet. Maybe she will still call." But then the week passed. Her Myspace profile suddenly had shrunken type. She had logged on several times and I had sent a couple of messages, but she wasn't responding. I started to think I had misread something in our communications. Maybe I was supposed to pick her up and didn't. Maybe she was mad. Maybe she was a raving crackhead (the only excuse/reason I could come up with for a totally uncharacteristic behavior like this). Some tears were shed when I came to believe I had been blocked from her Myspace account. What had I done? What could be wrong?

So fast forward to today. I had recently registered on another networking site at the invitation of another friend and I got a message from guess who.... LAURA. Not just one, but several. None of them referenced the trip, my messages, anything. So I sent her a message explaining what I was confused about. And discovered the Myspace profile wasn't even her! She hadn't come to town to see family (which I had suspected, because she doesn't have any here).

I am left to wonder who would create a pseudo Laura site, contact two other friends from high school, fake a trip to town with flight info, and then give me the cold shoulder. Who would do that? More importantly, why would someone do that? I believe that whoever it was reads my blog. Some of the references wouldn't have been found on myspace (kids being ill and that sort of thing). And I don't link to this blog from there nor do I blog on myspace. SOOOOO....below is an open letter to the person who played this ridiculous prank:

Dear Poo-poo head,

You have way too much time on your hands. I am not sure what satisfaction this has given you, but I hope it has brightened your dim little life. Laura is aware of the fabrication now and I will be alerting the other friends who were fooled. If I had such immense time as yours to waste, I would try to figure out who you were so that I might beat you about the head and neck with a wet noodle. But I have a life to live. A real sweet humdinger of a life. One that keeps me busy and fulfilled and happy. So I will just write this off. Enjoy your jollies, but may I suggest you do it elsewhere. Thanks ever so much.

Adios gross,
Heather (the sane, based in reality, totally hip chickie you wish you could be ).

What I am reading...

Right Now.... The Used World by Haven Kimmel

Up Next... The Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel
The Next Big Thing by Johanna Edwards
The Garden Angel by Mindy Friddle
The Bitch Posse by Martha O'Connor

My dad's girlfriends celebrity twins

For those of you who do not remember, this picture was carried by my dad and he would show it to us and tell us it was his girlfriend when we were young. Talk about emotional scars. Anyway, I ran her (I use that pronoun so loosely) through the celebrity twin finder. These are the oh so startling results.

Here's what's shakin'

Really good news this week:

Cory got the lead in the musical he auditioned for.
Cory got the job he interviewed for.

Decent news:

I made cookies today.
Aurelia showed me a pretty picture she stenciled at school.
Daniel had Afterschool Enrichment this week.

Funny news:

When told the roof to their two story rental house was leaking, my mother inquired, "Downstairs?" (don't worry, I don't think she reads the blog, and if you are reading this, dear mother, it is funny!)

Ted had to help teach a pack full of second graders how to use and read a compass. Daniel apparently regarded the compass as a mystical object sent from space and the Holy Grail. He was riveted.

A day with Social Security

I have been trying for several weeks now to obtain a replacement card for my oldest son. He's ready to take his driver's exam and get a job and all that lovely stuff that takes ID. I had sent the application and what I thought would be the necessary information, only to have it returned not once, not twice, but SIX times for lack o' correctness.

So I gathered up all the things I needed, prepared to sign the child out of school, called the 800# at 8 :17 this morning (because the local office is only open from 9-4, very convenient for working people). I asked if the things I had would be acceptable. I was told they were. Traveled to the local office, took a number, had a seat.

Now we all know Aurelia a shy little thing (Heavy Sarcasm Alert). She announced that the woman she laid eyes on first was her "gwammmaw". She chatted it up with just about every person she saw. Then she turned to the woman she had been pestering for ten solid minutes, made a face, held her nose, and said ever so loudly, "Eww, you stink!" Why do I not think to carry the Duct Tape?

Our number was called, the info was reviewd and rejected out of hand. Almost as if that is standard procedure. It's amusing to me what they will accept as id and what they will turn away. I had his birth certificate and adoption decree... no go. But bring us his medical records or school records in a sealed envelope and we'll do the happy dance. So we traveled to the school. The gracious, kind lady at the desk had already printed off what I needed and highlighted his info. She handed them to me and I was forced to ask for an official seal and a sealed envelope. Again, she graciously complied.

Back to the SS office and take another number. This time Aurelia decides to comment on some younger men. "He's a monster". No volume control. Then a long diatribe on the poor elderly man in a wheelchair and why he needs to have wheels on his chair. When our number was finally called (and I should add we had a fairly short wait) the same woman who sent us away the first time was the one behind the window. I gave her the envelope and begged her to tell me this was the golden ticket. Pretty please. With sugar. Thanks.

So now I have a receipt! Yippee. And the card will come in 2-6 weeks. And it goes toward his lifetime limit of ten replacement cards. Surprised? Well this little adventure did enlighten me to the limit of three per year and a lifetime limit of ten! So find your card and stick it in a fireproof, thief resistant, waterless place and never, ever, ever misplace it. Or else.

Life is good.

Daniel had his friend Carter over today. This little boy has a little sister the same age as Aurelia and she came to play too. It was so entertaining to watch the boys sit six inches from each other and giggle as they "instant messaged" each other on their DS's. They messaged words like fart and poop and then fell into heaps of uncontrollable laughter.

Cory had an interview at a local fast food store. He was asked back for a second interview this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Aurelia did something very funny/disturbing that is never to be shared. (HI Jelly-filled, I will contribute to the therapy bill).

American Idol comes on tonight. What more can a girl want? (Besides the lovely dessert that I will eat whilst watching)

Night all.

The sweetness that is my Aurelia

When asked by her preschool teachers what she wanted to be when she grows up, Aurelia-Bedelia answered: "A mommy."

Following up at home, I asked her again.
Again, she responded: "A mommy."
I asked her, "What do mommies do?"
Aurelia: "They take care of we girls."
Me: "And what do I do for you?"
Aurelia: "Oatmeal!"

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We have been heavily emphasizing the "if it is not yours, don't bother it" philosophy lately. She must be catching on, because when I was caught red-handed using her brown crayon to make a shopping note for Ted I was told:

"WHAT you doin' wif my cwayon? Is it yours? Nooooooo. It bewongs to me. Now put it back."

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Upon learning that her preschool teacher was out ill, she told me a very detailed story about how poor Miss Polly has a leaf in her throat. For Miss Polly's sake, I hope this is not true.

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My boy

My boy wrote this poem for me at school today:

Mom

She lets me play PS2!

She helps me find my lost shoe.

She also is very funny.

She's as soft as a bunny.

She lets me pour my own milk!

Her skin is as soft as silk!

AWWWWWW! Thank you, Daniel.

The tooth fairy takes the alligator

Hope you are enjoying your leap year!

My parents will have been married 34 glorious years tomorrow.

My son believes the book fair is run by the book fairy!

My daughter pronounces "elevator" as "alligator".

The aforementioned daughter has a double ear infection, yippee, and double yippee that the pharmacy drive through has no pharmacist on duty.

The oldest boy is off to a weekend of 4h craziness at Jackson's Mill.

The aforementioned oldest boy scored an overall 23 on his first try at the ACT, with an impressive (at least to me) 29 in English.

Lost makes me confused.

Is there a muscle that runs from the shoulder through the back and into the hip? If so, I think I have sprained it!

My very good friend in Charleston is going to have a hip replacement. She lives in a third floor walkup. Perhaps you can think of her when you pray or offer up good thoughts to the universe.

My other good friends in Charleston have learned that his blood pressure may stem from a GI source as opposed to a cardio source. Apparently this is much better news. YAY!

I have finished fooling with the blog layout. I hope it is easier to read than the peace background. Can you dig it?

New Layout

I have been playing around with my layout and this may be the one I stay with. The peace signs background was just too hard to read on. Let me know what you think.

New Stuff

Aurelia is in the grips of the post flu crud.

I accidentally washed and dried my cell phone. It's dead.

There was no school today.

But AI comes on tonight and I have cookies so the whole world is OK by me! :0)

Joyous Reading

I have been trying to sprinkle in some joyful books that are laden with humor and good stuff in between the books of child abuse stories and information that I read as often as I can stand. One of the tricks I have tried (because I have a limited list of favored authors) is to type the name of the books I loved into the Amazon search engine and then follow that to the books other people who have read that book have bought. I have stumbled upon some real stinkers, but a gem has shone through. I read her first two books in big, slobbery bites and am waiting hungrily for the third to be released in March of this year ( maybe on my birthday? Please?). Her name is Joshilyn Jackson and her books (gods in Alabama and Between, Georgia) were just wonderful. If you are in a lull and feel like taking book recommendations from a very happy hippo, try her out.

Oh happy day!! Joy, Joy, Joy!!!

Ok, no offense to my current best friends, but my bestest friend from way back in elementary school is coming back to WV for a visit. She moved away to TX at the end of our ninth grade year. She came back for a visit the following summer ( I was pregnant and embarassed), she flew in for my wedding in '99 (I was distracted), and I flew out to TX in '02. So this is very exciting. Even though we both have busy lives (I cater to children, she has a grown up job with computers) and barely ever talk, I have still felt connected to her. These are the things I think of when I think of her (or things that make me think of her):

Pringles, ice cream sandwiches, fold out sofa beds, Moonlighting, Jerry's Dairy, bicycles, treehouses, shaken soda cans, pianos, tap dancers, singing out loud in the Shoney's parking lot in her mom's station wagon to Paula Abdul's Straight Up while Paula Abdul was still popular, anything by Cyndi Lauper, Jefferson Airplane (especially "We Belong to the City"), and Tracy Chapman, Hoosiers the movie, John Cusack, Tetris, her dance recital, turquoise, our trip to Kings Island, french braided pigtails, a book called the Egypt Game (but I don't know why), staying after school with her and her mom and realizing teachers were not just teachers but real people with lives outside of school, walks in the woods, and so much more.

There are so many times she crosses my mind, sometimes for a split second, sometimes longer, that it seems like she isn't gone. I don't know very much about her grown up life. But she will always be my friend.

Did I mention she's coming today?!?!?!?!?! YIPPPPEEEEEE!!!!

GROSS WARNING: it ain't pretty

Monday evening I was thinking about sickness. Ted had been sick all day and my stomach was in knots (probably from stress or being tired). I was thinking how there was nothing worse than throwing up. That it was probably the grossest thing ever. Well, I was W-R-O-N-G! See, the grossest thing is being responsible for your poor, sick child who just happened to eat the same thing you did and threw up in his bed. He came to report his malady shortly before midnight. I jumped out of bed and put him in the tub so I could start stripping his sheets. Lucky for me he had (past tense) an egg crate foam pad on his mattress. I just rolled it all up and took it to the basement. While I was trying to get him cleaned up, settled into a clean bed, and not puke myself, I was also looking for a bucket. in case it happened again. I ran up and down our stairs looking in every nook and cranny until I finally spotted one outside. With that in hand I tucked him into his mismatched sheets, under the oversized blanket, and went back to bed. Since he stayed home from school and I had other kids at the house the next day he trotted off to his room in a self-imposed quarantine. When the kids went down for a nap, I went to check on him and offer him lunch. He was lying in bed looking tenderly at his birdhouse (with all of its fascinating doors and hinged roof). He asked for Hot Pockets. UGH.

I'm easy like Sunday morning

Our daughter has had a squooshy tush all weekend and got up twice this morning to squoosh. Lying in bed, knowing I would need to attend to the wipage, I thought to myself, "Boy, it sure is raining hard." Then I went to the bathroom to tend pooty pot and discovered that the "rain" was actually a waterfall cascading along the wall from the bathroom ceiling.

The source? Well, our house if several stories high and our oldest son has the entire third floor to himself. Apparently, he had a plumbing issue in the middle of the night, thought he had stopped the waterflow, and went back to bed. His bathroom is over my bathroom and my bathroom is over the kitchen. I thought the kitchen was safe until I saw the water pooling into the flourescent light fixture above my head.

Luckily, we stopped the water flow. We have lots of bleach on hand. We know how to clean and fix. But may I take this chance to simply say "Yuck, ew, nasty, and oh man!"

A trip to Wally world and we now have industrial plungers at all four toilets!

There were plenty of other pictures that would obviously make a seven year old laugh, but this one made him laugh so hard I had to post it.


Apparently, on the sidebar.

More home improvements

We have drafty old windows in our house. It seemed like a curtain barrier of some sort would be a good idea, but the curtains you find at Wally world seem to just be too thin. So I bought some very thick fabric, had my husband install a curtain rod, and safety-pinned my way into a fairly decent set of draft diverting drapes. Much like Daniel's thermabond hemmed curtains, these have nary a stitch holding them together. If nothing else, I am feeling efficient and resourceful today! :0)

Valentine's Day Hippo Style

The card:

The inspired words of amore:

The "O-'fish'-al" Ted gift

marketing bastards

I didn't plan to have three posts this evening. But my son spent his entire bathtime this evening reciting word for word a Bowflex commercial.

"Hey Mom. Did you know there is this thing on t.v. that has four things that will let you totally resculpt and define your body?"

"All it takes is just twenty minutes a day to see immediate results."

"You should buy it Mom. It's just fourteen dollars a month!"

I wish there was a parental control for commercial brainwashing. Daniel is particularly susceptible to this sort of ploy. So I explained it to him like this:

"I hate to break it to you, bud, but that is a clever marketing ploy. Brace yourself, but not everything you see on t.v. is true. The people who sell that stuff want it to be as attractive as possible to people so they will spend their money on it."

Daniel's response: "So they can get rich.... (throws hands up in the air) I've heard all about that before (in disgust)."

That's my eighty year old jaded businessman trapped in a second graders body!

Ugly blankets

Sometimes when I make stuff out of yarn I wind up with leftovers. Every once in a while it is a whole skein of the stuff, but more often it is bits and pieces not really long enough for any other project. So when I have gathered enough odds and ends I start an ugly blanket. The first two I made for the boys. Just a collection of nowhere near matching yarns crocheted into a blanket. Now the girly gets her turn. This blanket will have light brown, dark green, pure white, burgundy, blue, grey, and whatever else falls into it. I believe there is even a skein of super soft light green baby yarn to use. No one will ever have one like it (nor will they want one), but it will be hers from her mommy. And she is excited about it! LOL. Kids are silly.

I will post some pictures as the ugliness takes shape.

Gifts

My husband doesn't know what I got him for Valentine's Day. It isn't anything expensive or big or great, but he knows I got something. I have been playing a game with him that goes a little something like this:

Ted: What are getting me for Valentine's Day?
Me (looking sideways at him): Do not even lie to me!
Ted: WTF!
Me: I know you have been snooping around and already know, so don't lie to me!
Ted(flustered): I have no idea what you are talking about!
Me: You know that I know. And I know that you know. So DON"T LIE TO ME! GOD, you nosy poop.
Ted....walks away shaking his head!!

I will post a picture of his gift tomorrow.

things that make me go hmmm

Max and Ruby, the cartoon bunnies, need CPS intervention. And they all just go around ignoring the problem. Grandma doesn't live there, the parents seem to be non-existent, and they are THREE and SEVEN!!!! C'mon, let's have an intervention before someone gets hurt.

My husband wanted to eat at a local chicken house with K, F, and C in the name tonight. I said I would rather not because their gravy seems to taste weird, like ladybugs. Hubby says "I've never licked a ladybug!" Well, neither have I, but one flew into my mouth and it is a taste you don't forget.

Static electricity should be illegal!

Although I would like to blog about what a chickenshit I am when it comes to confrontation or possible scenarios where I should be able to tell people things that aren't necessarily what they want to hear, I think it best to just not. But know that I will take a trip in a handbasket (not one of those fancy Longberger baskets either, some cheap Dollar Tree crap with Chinese lead paint) when it is time to take my journey.

Conspiracy

My family is trying to drive me into the nuthouse. And I wasn't too far from the front door to begin with. Over the weekend, my husband found great delight in doing all the things that get under my skin.... talking about my jobs, i.e. laundry, dishes, toilet scrubbin'... then he would say "why can't you stop being violent.. don't you love me" while grinning. The kids must have picked up on his cue and began to tag team me with requests and complaints galore. Cory tried to make olive oil and herb pasta.... with vegetable oil! Later he made spaghetti in a dirty pot! GRRR....

So I thought the tides were turning when we went furniture shopping. We have been in heavy want of a new couch and such. Ted was finally convinced and we bought two couches. Yippee!!! Until he started talking about how I should be nice to him since he bought me furniture. What the... huh?! Am I the only one who sits on this stuff? Am I the only one who enjoys its comforts? I think not.

By the end of the weekend I had threatened everyone (and I mean everyone) that I was gonna kill 'em. Just dig a hole under the house, bury them up to their nose, and let the worms crawl in and finish the job.

They seemed to have straightened their acts out for today. But I am prepared with shovel in hand to take care of these yahoos if they get to feelin' froggy again!

:0)

Mental poo

I tried to cook for my family. A nice meal of baked macaroni and cheese. I used a recipe from the internet that sounded reasonably easy for the first try. It wound up with cooked egg on the bottom, nearly no cheese or cheesy taste, and costing a good five times more than your Thick n Creamy Kraft variety.

Bought an exercise ball to try and increase some muscle tone and flexibility. Nearly killed my shoulder and foot joints using the pump to blow it up. Pushed all my belly fat into my lungs blocking all the oxygen from my brain. Trapped myself on my back, on the ball, like an upturned turtle before losing my balance and flying off the ball into the television stand in my bedroom. Grrr.

I had a dream about my arthritis. I can't remember the details, but it prompted me to send off for my medical records from the Shriner's Hospital. Weird.

I signed my youngest up for the maximum possible pre school fun this summer. It will keep us all alive.

I made cookies this evening. I served them for dinner to my son. Sue me.

The $70 bag o stuff for the Baby Bear Scouts of USA was all made in Vietnam. I mean COME ON.

Things I didn't know I was good at til I had to do them

Having a forty-plus minute internet relay conversation on my cell phone with a concerned deaf parent, while tending to four chatty children, drinking pretend tea (and feigning my enthusiasm), and eating a real cookie.

Logically explaining to my daughter that she cannot save the rotten pumpkin that is leftover from Halloween unless she wants to mop up it's disgusting, yucky slime and deal with the WICKED EVIL odor.

Surviving the rapid fire farting of a roomful of children on any given afternoon. These kids gang up and just let em rip. They also need to know the odor eater. Just sayin'.

Discreetly suffering in the driver's seat as I transport my odorific teenager and his equally odorific friends back from practice without ripping off my nose and throwing it out the window. I didn't even say "Pewwwww". But I wanted to.

Eduring hours of Daniel speaking to me confidently about subjects he has no basis in reality to speak to me about. Like parenting and DNA scanners.

Love Actually /Aurelia

My darling girl has a love story with her actual name in it. I was watching this movie when she was a tiny baby and noticed the name in the subtitles. LOVE IT!

Daniel's Big Day

Our sweet boy Daniel competed in his first pinewood derby Sunday. On Saturday, my friend Nancy came down to visit and mentioned that her dad used to have a pinewood derby named after him. When Daniel returned home with his trophy, ribbon, and patch it was from THAT derby. He placed fourth in the race and third for car design. He is just tickled pink! But the excitement fades fast as he starts to plan for the overnight camping trip to a zoo in the spring! He can barely contain himself! Congrats, Daniel!

Punjab Aurelia

Baby Girl and her sweet beats!

new stuff

I have been playing around with some features for the blog. If you came by when the music was automatically starting I have disabled that. The "jukebox" is now on the sidebar and will only start if you want to listen. Just click on the play arrow.

For my mother-in-law, I have added Willie Nelson's Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground. Enjoy, Peggy!

Happiness is....

This boys report card....


























having my taxes done and filed! Yippee!



returning all the child abuse survivor books and starting this book. I have snorted out loud many times today!



spending 27$ at Walmart on cookies, milk, and one hammer!



getting this ad in the mail today!

Princess parties and potty ponderings

Thoughts on aging

A nod to Buzzardbilly for inadvertently inspiring this entry with her musings about dog mess.

In my family history, the older people become the less they are inclined to share the same room with their spouse. My grandparents, great-grandparents, and now sometimes my own parents had separate bedrooms. It may or may not have been a reflection of their affection for one another, but I will assume it was not. I believe my DNA is infused with a tendency to separate oneself from the gross and unattractive things people do as they age. Snoring, farting, coughing, incontinence, night sweats, and the like are all feasible reasons to get a nice mattress for the spare room.

Ted and I have a few ground rules for the future:

1. Til the children are grown I will be predominantly responsible for cleaning up messes that include their bodily fluids.
2. He will be responsible for tending to me when I am ill or out of commission (rarely) and I will do my best to help him if needed.
3. Separate bedrooms will be required immediately the first time incontinence on the part of one rudely awakens the other.
4. In our elderly, golden years it will be necessary for Theodore to have a nurse available 24/7 to tend to any doody pants. If I am left in charge of said doody pants, my only promise is that I will pressure wash the doody from a minimum of ten feet away. Any pat drying will be done with a towel draped stick from at least the aforementioned distance. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I believe we will sail gracefully into our non-children years having established where we stand on these issues. Gotta let 'em know where ya draw the line. Yup, that's my motto.

Conversations from the couch

Eleanor (while watching Dora and eating lollipops): Daniel, do you like Dora?

Daniel (with that look): I am trying not to see the television, but my head has a brain of its own!

How many can you get?

This lovely quiz was sent to me by a friend today. The object is to determine solely by your gut feeling from one picture whether the subject is a computer language inventor or a serial killer. My score was 7 out of 10.

Try it out and let me know your score!

Big ol' case of the grass is greener syndrome

Winter stinks. It sucks royally. It makes me depressed and restless. I have been in a funk for a few weeks now and extended no-school days don't help.

So I get a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome. I see other people and even though I know they have the same hassles I do, I get jealous. I start to wish our family could go out to dinner together without ending up ticked at the end. I want to have the patience the other mothers seem to have. Why can't I cook up a nutritious, delicious meal and get the kids to eat it? When will I be able to eat a balanced meal and lose weight and style my hair and juggle a full social agenda and bond meaningfully with my children and blah, blah, blah, blah freakin' blah. You get the drift. In those moods, nothing I do is good enough, because someone else is doing it WAY better.

So I went to Walmart for fabric and a curtain rod (intending to divert the artic breeze flowing over the back of our couch with aforementioned items and a healthy supply of safety pins). I passed through the plus size section and spotted TALL pants that just might fit. I gave all my stretch jeans to neighbor Jenny when it became OH SO CLEAR that even with a shoehorn and an industrial size vat o' Vaseline, it was never gonna happen. The pants fit. They have a W beside the number ( I have been informed this is for Women's , not WIDE like I was originally assuming). I cried in the dressing room. Why? Dunno. I don't care that I don't wear a size double zero. I never plan to wear a bikini again, EVER. So even though I have the winter blahs, a big ol cause of the grass is greener syndrome, and zero nutritional value in my meals---- I DO have four new pairs of pants that fit my W butt! :0)

Crapper Chronicles

Daniel likes to wax poetic from the porcelain throne. Here is a sampling of today's announcements:

"That last piece was tiny, like this (holds up fingers to demostrate). It was curved like a bean."

"I know how mommies (pregnant ones) feed their babies. They eat the food, then it goes to the plaaaace (for a second I thought he was going to say placenta). Then the baby gets it and eats it. Especially if it is all mushy, cause babies don't have any teeth. (Nods head, winks, points finger, makes little mouth click)."

"I like your hair down. You look even prettier than uuuussssssuuuuuuaaaaal."

"(About a varied topic base, in various tones) Now THAT'S something you don't see everyday."

Aurelia's Spider Drawing

They like me, they REALLY like me!!!

Ok, so maybe the whole Sally Field reference is a little dramatic, but I have been awarded a genuine AWARD! By Mr. Freakin' Chinchilla. And frankly, I am ecstatic!

Apparently, I need to pass along three bits of blogging advice and pass this along to five other bloggers. So here goes.

The Hippo's Blogging Advice

1. Try not to blog when you are going to need to stop every 3.2 seconds and scream " WHAT?!" I find I do my best blogging as I am waiting for my children to fall asleep. Since I am help captive in my bedroom (we have creaky stairs and whiny kids) I can power up the trusty laptop and spew my daily thoughts. Works better than trying to think on the uber- puter we have downstairs.

2. When in doubt, blog with confidence. I usually have no idea what I am talking about. But I read somewhere once that if you speak confidently everyone will assume you know your stuff. Let's assume that works here too.

3. Be balanced. I know no one wants to read all about the crappy parts of my life, but I am pretty sure they don't want to read about only good things either. So I like to mix it up. A little of this, a little of that. Works for me.

Now for the tough selection of five fellow bloggers to pass the torch.

1. Jellyfilled She is a smart, funny blogger about world events and issues. But she also has the CUTEST kids and we get to see them too.

2. Girl, Woman, Mom A newly read blog for me. I really enjoy her style and the stories of her family.

3. Smallest Angel A great lady who doesn't blog frequently enough for those who love to read her (like me!).

4. Step Away From the Barbies I don't know her, but I often laugh out loud reading her posts. And anyone who refers to their significant other as "asshat" is my kind of funny.

5. Buzzardbilly Ferociously funny and uninhibited.

Super quadruple thanks to my friend, Mr. Chinchilla!

What would happen?

I read alot of books about child abuse. It's another of my morbid hobbies. But because I read them, I feel more prepared. Like I know what to look for when dealing with not only the caretakers and parents for my CASA kids, but for people who deal with my kids daily. It reminds me that not everyone is what they appear to be on the surface. Mood changes in children shouldn't automatically be chalked up to moodiness or adolescence or "phases". A solid look at the causes should always be the beginning. Especially with kids vulnerable to falling through the cracks of any system.

The book I am currently reading is all the more heartbreaking because the main character had a wonderful life and family until her mother died of an epileptic seizure when the girl was eleven. She and her brother were awarded to her biological father (who they didn't even know existed) instead of their stepfather. The biological father passed them along to a "foster home" after learning he wouldn't be in charge of the insurance money their mother had left for them. Within 24 hours of being torn from the only family they had ever known, their world was turned upside down and a nightmare began.

While the events in her life occurred in the late 60's or early 70's, it brings home a point. We need to confront our fears of immortality to best care for our children. Prepare for the worst while we enjoy the best. Every night I go to sleep assuming I will see many more years of my children lives. My husband assumes the same thing. And while I don't intend to dwell on the endless possibilities of bad stuff, I do intend to respectfully acknowledge its existence.


"If You Have Minor Children- Having a Will is especially important if you have young children because it gives you the opportunity to designate a “guardian” for them in the event of your death. If you die without a Will, have minor children, and your husband/wife did not survive you, a court will appoint a guardian. A Will allows you to exercise your right to appoint the guardians who will take care of your children upon the deaths of you and your spouse. Therefore, even if your assets are modest, if you have minor children, you should at least execute a Will in order to name guardians for them if they are left as minors with no surviving parent."

WV CASA PSA

A more regionally accurate informational commercial.

CASA Everyday Heroes

Today was an absolute affirmation that this is the right thing to do. If you have the inclination, please consider giving your time.

Happier Crap

In an effort to balance out that previous self-pitying post, here are some really great things about life in hippo land.

My daughter tells me I am her best friend, and I am pretty sure she means it.

My youngest son still tells me about things enthusiastically. He wants me to pay attention and notice him. He hasn't started pushing me away yet to define himself.

My oldest son is a good kid. He does push me away, but he is a solid character. He will be a good man.

I have a loving husband.

I have great friends.

I want for nothing material.

Humor still shows itself to me in almost everything.

Rants from the Hippo

I can't get to sleep at night because my husband snores and shakes his leg like a sleeping dog.



When I do drift off I wake up with my back in a twist like a wrung out dishrag and my arms asleep and useless.



When I lift heavy things at the store my hips buckle and I pee a little. Sorry.



I used to be able to carry in all my groceries in one trip and now my shoulders and back cry after just a few minutes of holding the cutest baby on my block. That also means holding my wee daughter on my lap is nearly impossible. (Sob)



I have friction in places I'd rather not. I will not elaborate.



I've given up quilting because my fingers can't take the tiny work. (Wail)



My husband had to tighten the hand rail in our stairway, because I actually use it now.



I can't put on my own socks. If my husband isn't home I just don't wear any.



When my daughter and I started the mommy and me dance class, the instructor told her to do what I did. Ex: Sit cross-legged (can't do it), touch the bottoms of my feet together and let my knees down (never gonna happen), lower my head to touch aforementioned feet while in aforementioned pose (not even close). (Tears flow freely)

Things that make me go Hmmm

I have been wondering lately what life in our country, or even our world, would be like if there were no economic differences. The scenario in my head is this...
What if everyone over the age of 18 were given an income of say 100,000 dollars to work. They wouldn't have to work at a job selected for them, they could work at what satisfied them or made them happy, but they must work. In this world, there would be no economic reason to excel at your profession. Your kudos would come from recognition, achievements, good feelings, etc. There would be no limits to quality of life choices. Would there still be enough workers for the service industries? Would CEO's continue to keep their jobs if there were no exorbitant bonuses? How would the world run, who do what, who would live where? Would we continue to amass goods as status symbols of how much better we are? I am not a philosopher, I don't take public stands on world problems, but I would like to know what you would do if suddenly the world worked that way.

Recent Interview

I neglected to mention that I had been interviewed by everyone's favorite chinchilla again. Sorry, dude. I get distracted easily by shiny things.

The Dam Trip

Back when we were kids, our parents would sometimes decide to just go somewhere. If it was going to be far enough away that an overnight stay might be needed, we would pile blankets and pillows in the back of whatever car we had at the time. My dad was a wheelin'/dealin' sort so it could be a hatchback, a Jeep woody, a Suburban (that backfired for several seconds after the ignition was switched off), or a hot rod oldies car. You just never knew. Well I don't remember what car we had on this trip. It might have been a station wagon or a Jeep, but it took forever. My brother and I were around 12 and 14 when Dad decided to take us on a drive. We drove and drove past cow fields and broken down barns and all matter of things. After hours of driving (and complaining from the backseat) we arrived at the destination Dad was so thrilled to take us to. Now, what might excite your teenage children beyond reason? That's right! A dam. Apparently not just any dam, but a dam worthy of having a small scale model of itself housed in a small building just yards from the actual DAM. To say the least, we were dumbfounded. There was massive eye-rolling, huffing, pouting about this less than wonderful sight seeing. But, the silver lining is the way I can now make my mother pee in her own pants just by starting a dialogue about the dam. Like so:

Me: Hey Mom! Remember when we took that dam trip?
Mom: (starting to crack) Yes.
Me: How many days did it take to get there?
Mom: Days?! It took a few hours, Heather, not days.
Me: Oh, well did we get any postcards from the dam gift shop? Because I would like to remember that dam trip and especially that dam scale model.............etc, etc,etc

I feign enthusiasm for the dam and all its dam appeal. She laughs until she cries. I guess it was worth it. Dam it.

Red tape and faces

Anyone who is familiar with me knows that it takes quite a bit of doing to get my blood boiling. Normal formalities don't drive me as crazy as they drive some other people. But today I was hot. HOT.

My son is ready to take his learner's exam. I (being the queen of organization) have misplaced his original social security card. Paperwork was filled out and sent in to get a replacement. A few days later it was sent back. They needed my identification because I had signed the paperwork. OK, no problem. I made color copies of my driver's license, my own social security card, and my voter's registration card. FRONT and BACK. Sent it back. It was returned again. So I decided to call their offices and find out exactly what I needed to do to make sure he received a card. They don't accept copies. No problem, but I am not going to mail my actual Soc. Sec. card, driver's license, or any other document. She adds they will also need id for the boy. A current report card (with his date of birth PRINTED on it), an insurance card with his name and DOB printed on it, or a school id with his name, photo, and DOB on it.

WTF. Tell me how does identity theft happen in this scenario?

Did I also mention that their offices are only open 9 am to 4 pm? Not a huge inconvenience for me (unless I have to drag my firstborn in with me ---those are school hours), but consider what the average Joe/Jane would have to do to get in during that time. We are talking about taking a day off work, getting there, realizing you don't have everything, taking another day off work to try again and so on, etc. And these are necessary everytime you try to get any id. Madness. I understand the need in theory, but it really pisses me off in practice.

Safety in numbers

Did you know that I live in a neighborhood? Well, I do. Before we moved here, I lived in a bedroom community. That means that even though I had grown up with most of the people who lived near me we did not interact on a regular basis. I knew the local grocer and my way around town, but it wasn't a close knit feeling. Our next door neighbors were RELATED to me and they rarely spoke to us unless we had parked in their way. Save for my mom and my best friend there wasn't really anyone to lean on for those things neighbors lean on each other about.

When we moved here our neighbor Jenny brought cookies. She introduced herself and her family. When we go to the park, we are likely to run into more than one person we know and the kids all play together. Even friends that live outside of walking distance are neighborly. We shuffle kids back and forth from house to house depending on who needs to do what. There is no formal agreement to watch after anyone else's children. We (at least in my mind) are a village. We lean on each other, knowing when our need comes there will be someone to lean on. That really floats my boat. For all our modern conveniences and whatnot, we still need what generations before us needed. And it is reassuring to know that such values still exist in such a wacky world as the one we live in.

Thanks!

Events

In the last few days I have accomplished a variety of things. Some have been intentional, others have been accidental. In no particular order, here they are:

* made certain a registered sex offender in our area showed up in our database. (he had fallen through the cracks of the system and was not featured.)

*tracked down a junior high school teacher, emailed her and told her how she had positively affected my life by noticing me and including me.

*emailed a college professor to touch base and remind him of how much he was appreciated.

*made my cousin (who was in Florida and only on the telephone) regurgitate by simply explaining the definition of the word dingleberry.

*eaten a box of chocolate chip cookies and a box of grasshoppers.

*eaten chili on a seventy plus degree day in JANUARY!

*taken my oldest for his first of two job interviews.

*passed by the ice cream shop fully intending to go in and order, but then changing my mind.

Wanted

So I am sitting here, with a pile of books fresh from the library, a new CD playing in the ol' pooter (thanks to OMOTM) and I am as bored as a person can get. I am almost drooling in my lap.

The books are true crimes. I have read one and a half and I am already burned out. But my favorite authors haven't spit out anything new lately and I am faltering in what I should choose. I thought I would teach myself to knit and I promptly shat on that idea and buried it in a box. That miracle will have to wait for quiet times and patience (all in short demand in the casa Porterfield).

So here is what I want from you, dear blog readers. Give me some ideas about what you are reading, what is interesting, your favorite authors... I would like to branch out and explore the world outside of my little domain. I absolutely adore humor and real people based books, but I am open to whatever you throw my way.

Sock it to me people!

Sigh

Raise the window listen to the rain
I'll be your pillow rest your head on me again
Here in the darkness
let the lightnin' flash our room& smell the rain
it's in the air like sweet perfume
Make sure the cat's in don't worry 'bout the dog
We'll let it rain on him
throw another log on the fire
I live for times like this
Wind blows the trees & they make shadows on the wall
Cool midnight breeze feel it coming through the hall
Earthquakin' thunder shakes the roof over our heads
Sleep taking wonder keeps us turnin' in our bed
We've got each other & a soft blanket to share
The rainy weather washed away all of our cares
I live for times like this
I live for times like this

Snow Day response

Wishing away time with my children..... when the time will fly by already. Shame on me. These days will be gone too soon. I will be left with the memories. They will have lives and I will be the nuisance. Kisses, sweet babies. Mommy loves you.

Snow Day

Dear Lord,

You know I love those blessings you bestowed upon me (otherwise known as children 1-3), but I beg you to reconsider this extended together time. Our winter school break has had a little extra added to the end and some more snow is headed our way. Since it is commonly known that my perfection is non-existent, please take into consideration that I cannot guarantee we are all going to make it out of this alive.

Your truly,

Heather

How do you spell success

F-R-I-E-N-D-S


Thanks to all of you who graced my door with your presence and good company today. I am so grateful to have begun yet another year with each and every one of you as friends. Our family is fortunate to have you all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Perspective

I live in this house of mine everyday. It seems ok. But as soon as I consider entertaining people inside of this house I suddenly start to think of it like this...

I start to remember all that pesky dusting I never do. I start to see the dustballs in the corners and the spit marks on the mirrors. The piles of clothes that have never been put away call out to me. But I have cleaned all I am gonna clean. I am sure this feeling is vital to my house being cleaned EVER, but I am d-o-n-e. When we all gather together to usher in the New Year with friends, I will pretend that it looks clean all the time. And on Jan. 2nd, if you secretly stop by and peer in the windows you can see the reality. SIGH.

Ahhh Children

I thought it would be a nice idea to take my daughter along to pick up my takeout order at a local restaurant. She was already wearing a beautiful rose colored dress up dress (frankly it looks a little bar wenchish, but she is only three). I don't mind it when she wants to wear these things in public because it is always fodder for a laugh. To the dress she added her ruby slippers (gaudy, sparkly, VERY red Mary Jane's). Her winter coat (pink and burgundy) was slipped on over the dress and to that we add her hat. This hat was a gift to me from a friend in Charleston and was immediately confiscated by her majesty, Aurelia. It is a light blue tobogan with multi-colored balls dangling from all over it. She is adorable in a mini-homeless woman sort of way.

So we go in to pick up the food and she immediately says "HI" to the people waiting in front of us. The woman says hello back and tells her how pretty she is. She wallows in this attention and puts on her coy face. She leans her head and pulls up her shoulder and gives a sweet little grin. "Dat lady say I pwetty.", she says to me. I grin and nod. "I A PWINCESS!", she says loudly to the lady. "You sure are, honey", says the unsuspecting woman. "I eat my boogers. Dey all gone out my nose", says my sweet, disgusting child. Polite silence. Mommy hangs her head in shame. Never again. All outings will be made ALONE. :0)

The problem with teen idols....

A sweet Georgia peach of a reader asked me about singer's I thought were in my son's terms Schmexy. I believe that is a blend of smooth and sexy, but I am afraid to ask. You must understand that I am a big fan of oldies and mellow music. Schmexy singers are more sound than look to me, but here is my list of yummy singers for your amusement.

This guy was not bad looking then.....

but now....

it's a little scary

late '80's, early '90's yummy-------- not aging well

Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath---yummy

Jerry Reed and BJ Thomas (not bad in their heyday and if the lights were low, who knows?!)

Hanson (too young, but sweetie cute as older artists)

Jonny Lang---rocks out barefoot and definitely edible.

Will Smith-mm hmm

The good years, but mainly because he reminds me of my dad's younger pictures

Luckily, my father didn't age like this.

That's right I dig the Funkadelic groovemaster.







And no list is complete without the Hoff. (Although, technically, I cannot consider him a singer. But come on, the guy must drink formaldehyde for breakfast. He still looks good.)

High as a kite

My husband painted our downstairs hallway (finally) and the fumes are making me high as a kite.


Taking my oldest son to my parents, my youngest son announced his need to throw up. Never give a carsick-prone child a book in the car.

It's the day after Christmas and that tree is already in the basement.

A trip to the gynecologist the day after Christmas is not a gift.

My children survive on Dora soup, peanut butter, cinnamon bread, and oatmeal.

The commercial with Ryan Seacrest and his breath that's "like a minty fresh snowstorm, in heaven.", makes me roll with laughter.

I switched sides of the bed and there is nothing Ted can do about it.

I love my devil children. Even if they are rotten little stinks.

This may be a bit disturbing

We all know that the holidays can be stressful. Perhaps we are at the end of our already short fuses! While this suggestion may be morbid, it is effective. The next time you find yourself annoyed with your loved ones and cannot stand to be around them for just one more second you should begin to mentally compose their eulogy. Not because you are going to off them--- jeeesh people. But because that little exercise may just remind you how important they are and how much you love them. If that doesn't work, imagine what they may say for you in a similar circumstance. If the only thing you can come up with is "My mommy was a crabass", perhaps it is time to take a moment to oneself.


In this season of traveling and large amounts of family time, I want you all to be safe. Enjoy the moments you can and power through the ones that are a little tougher. And if you find yourself painted into a mental corner, just call me. I will gladly sing any variety of novelty songs to get you back into an appreciative state of mind.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!