Long day with crazy kids

Took Aurelia to the big "W" this morning to have her yearly picture taken with my goddaughter Destiny. They both wear the same dresses and it is so adorable. BUT they have decided to Stop Being Adorable. Neither of them would smile, put down their dress bottoms, stay on the table, quit picking their noses, chewing on their tongues, etc, etc, etc,......

We bought the $5.88 package of the first pitiful pose and went about our business. Perhaps better luck will be had if we take home photos of the separately and photoshop them together.

Daniel, poor Daniel, is offering a reward of one bazillion dollars to the kind soul that can find and return his beloved Twinken to him. He went missing shortly before Christmas. We believe he was last seen in our home and is still within its walls. Sadly, moving every piece of furniture and looking behind toilets has not given us any leads. May your thoughts be with this sad, sad, sad loose toothed little guy.

My sweet neighbor Jenny is allegedly over the hump from her nasal surgery. I am hoping she is on the upward swing. Love ya, Jenny!

And finally, I have a friend. You know who you are. I won't out you here. But you are perhaps the nuttiest person ever. I bet you fell asleep at 7 :30 , go ahead admit it. Couple of fuddy duddies. :0) When you gather the energy to leave your "mushroom home" let me know. I will mind the pixies.

Night all
Heather

Heartwarming and heartbreaking

My recent visit to my mothers the Friday prior to Christmas was very nice, UNTIL we had to leave. My youngest son pouted, shot a feww dagger looks my way, and as we were getting in the van I heard him say, "I am running away from home." I immediately said EXCUSE ME? WHY would you be running away? "Because sometimes you are SO mean to me and you beat my butt!!" was his response. This is from the boy who writes me forty eight thousand I Love you notes every day. He apologized later and admitted he could not even remember the last "beating" he had received (um, maybe, because I don't beat him, just a thought).

This same little boy ate some mini pancakes Saturday and discovered that his first tooth has started to wiggle. Lower right front. I am excited for him and look forward to the big gap toothed smiles and lisps, but I am going to miss my baby. I had forgotten the transformation with Cory( now nearly all grown up). He is too big to sit on my lap for bed time stories. Literally. I just want to squish him and keep him little for a bit longer.

Aurelia has not been administered any allergy medication for sleeping purposes in many days. I have developed an adapted sleeping routine. It involves me lying on her bed until she passes out. Then I sneak off and do my evening stuff. At about 2am she comes to our bed, knowing full well we will be too tired, warm, and comfortable to refuse her entry. I am trying to merge my conscious self and night time self into a solid "take you back to bed" response. So far, nah dah.

As she opened her Christmas gifts, I was taken back by how beautiful my baby girl really is. Now I don't say this to brag or call other kids ugly. But she has a little sass, hair I would die for, and a laugh I never want to stop listening to. She really REALLY loved her dress up dress, dress up shoes, tiara, and her life size doll that has far too much boobage for my tastes. I am going to need help from girly girls to figure out what to do for this little diva. I was and still am a tomboy of sorts. Make up and fine clothing only wind up making me feel fake and inadequate. I want her to be able to express herself and be confident about it.

Did I mention that I love these kids? All three of them. Just love them silly.

Heather

My son is an eating wonder :0)

The tides shifted in the brief time I was gone to visit my grandmother. A less than 48 hour trip to Virginia (to love on my 78 year old recent surgery victim grandmother mind you) my daughter decided to undo all the sleepy night time goodness we had achieved since moving. Apparently, our neighbors across the street had a party and this was upsetting to poor Baby Girl. Maybe because she wasn't invited.

Last night, as ashamed as I am, I took the snot of tears to indicate that the store brand allergy medicine (drowsy formula) should be administered. Sleep was accomplished shortly before midnight.

She has also decided not to walk ANYWHERE, ANYMORE. We had a long morning in the grocery store that included her collapsing in the salsa aisle and removing her shoes, being shoved into the seat on the front of the cart and causing clerks to repeatedly ask HER if SHE was ok! What about me?!


But we did manage to have a nice evening with friends last night. No major crisis was initiated while we were eating. No one screamed in pain. No fist fights or threats of bodily harm were overheard.

So the upside to this downward swing is that now I have a couple of other people who may not be in the same boat, but are rowing near enough to sympathise. (Of course, when necessary, my empathy will be given to those on the other side.) :0)

I hope you all have had or will have wonderful holidays with your families and loved ones. I will be watching my kids on Christmas morning to see the things that make me love them even when they are despicable, snot coated, creatures.

Heather

Reading Rainbow

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my older sons reading choices. He likes graphic novels (comic book style), fantasy, sci-fi, and other things I have no understanding of. I have tried to steer his preferences to no avail. But it occurred to me as I was talking that I should not be critical of WHAT he is reading. I should simply revel in the fact that he does indeed read. As a matter of fact, all of my children share my love of books. Cory is almost as excited about a new book from the library as he is about what is for dinner/dessert/breakfast/snack.

Another friend asked me when I began to read. I honestly cannot remember a time I wasn't reading or thinking about reading. Books were the best thing in the whole world. I was a shy girl, I didn't travel, and until our move this summer I had lived in the same town for over thirty years. Books were where I learned about different people and how to respect them. I was able to visualize the other worlds and feel things that were new.

Books have always welcomed me with open arms. There are no socially awkward moments. I was able to, in a way, try on the skin of other people and their perspectives through the stories. I hope it has made me better than I might have been.

I will try to be less bothered by what they choose to read and more encouraged that they love to do it. I hope they find friends in the stories; worlds that help them figure out who they really want to be.

Moms in the Mob

Against all odds, a frappucino drink that was brought into this house less than 8 hours ago is still sealed and intact. I believe the oldest boy was so offended that I would not allow him to ingest ALL of the thirty some cookies I baked today that he went on a hunger strike. (But it would have to last years to make up for the dent his regular eating has made in the food supply.)However, recent actions on his part may make it possible to send him on an "extended holiday". Please don't be alarmed if he is not mentioned or seen for a while. :0)

My friend noted that I was carrying "the bloody mermaid shoes" in my van. She was not using a British term, the shoes are actually bloody. What can I say, the girl is dedicated to fashion at the cost of her own precious feet.

The middle child was able to perform his puking martyr act this morning. As he kneeled on the floor of his room, wretching uncontrollably, he managed to firmly state, " i'm ok. I think it was the Baked Cheez Bits. "

Neighbor/friend Jenny has announced that Daniel is now betrothed to her daughter. This is in an effort to induce all night sleep. Good luck to the new couple! I have offered our "Blue Room" as the bridal suite. There the two happy lovebirds can quibble over what cartoons to watch, whose turn it is to jump on the bed, and any miscellaneous paper tubes. Just like all your average American couples these days.

Night all
Heather

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

I asked a friend if Jesus was mentioned in the song Joy to the world after she mentioned her son (they keep a Jewish household)had learned the song and referenced Baby Jesus at home. I began to hum the tune and then sing the words... Joy to the world, all the boys and girls, joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me.

I was the slightest bit mortified to discover that this was the wrong song. Apparently, I have not been brushing up on my Christmas carols and have only been listening to the oldies station where Three Dog Night is a popular choice.

I have completed the first of two quilts for my Dad. If I don't finish the second for Christmas he will never know. He doesn't read this blog (or any that I know of). He also doesn't know I planned to quilt two. YAY.

Quick survey:
What is the song you were most mortified to learn you were singing all the wrong lyrics to?

My personal favorite is hearing someone sing:

Blinded by the light
Wrapped up like a douche in the middle of the night!

Night all
Heather

Confessions of a Christmas Madwoman

Things have been quiet on the blog front. But now I have BIG news. I hornswaggled, nagged, bothered, interrogated my sweet husband to the brink of insanity and the payoff was huge. It was revealed to me what he had gotten me for Christmas.

His first mistake was telling me he had THE gift. That he was going to get up at 4:30am on Black Friday and SHOP for THE gift. This peaked my interest.

I guessed about THE gift, he laughed. He refused to confirm or deny.

I snooped and found no evidence.

Then, he bought THE gift. While he was on the phone with his father and sufficiently distracted, I stole his wallet. There was the pot of gold. A sticky note with websites..... Wooohoooo!
He was sad. He insisted he would not give me THE gift until Christmas.

So I made him an offer he couldn't refuse. And now I am in possession of my very own..........

LAPTOP!

OH the joy! I had originally asked for one when I started college. Now that I am waiting for the youngest to start kindergarten to resume that higher level of education I will play tons of internet backgammon and solitaire.


Sorry Ted,
Heather

Dumpster Cats

I Googled my name (and my family members names) today. I was bored and checking on my teenagers antics. I found this:

To: fhp@hsmv.state.fl.us
Received: Via E-Mail
My name is Heather Porterfield and I had occasion to travel thru the town of Yulee on I-95. I stopped at a convenience store/souvenier stand (Wayfara) with my two children and my mother on our way back to West Virginia. I locked my keys in my car and had to walk across the street to an Exxon station to call a locksmith. No one was answering and I was becoming afraid. I thought if perhaps I called the police, I could get a suggestion about what to do next. This was on June 16, 2003 at about 7:30 or 8pm. I called information and obtained the number for Highway Patrol. The man that answered my call was very helpful. Although no actual police could assist me, he called each of the 3 local locksmiths and I was on my way by 8:30pm. His assistance was invaluable as I was unsure of how to proceed at that time. We were hundreds of miles from home, but I want to thank that man for his kindness. I did not catch his name, but please pass along my sincere gratitude.
Heather PorterfieldPinch WV




This happened while my mother, two kids, age 3 and 12, were stopped at a tourist trap that had no actual payphone of its own. The payphone I made the call from was across a four lane highway and about waist high. Did I mention it was next to the Exxon dumpster that was filled and crawling with what I can only define as "dumpster cats". At one point, I called my husband collect AT WORK to cry. I felt that letting that police officer know just how grateful I was needed to be a priority.

Now feel free to mock me.

Heather P

My friend Jenny is a literary guru. She recommended an author, the books are great. Melanie digs poetry and is smart enough to get it. I have some books I have read, they may be ones you'll like, but I take no blame if they suck in your opinion. I tend to pick oddball things that are not beloved by all.

John Irving books... my favorite is The World According to Garp. (The only downside to John Irving is his references to the sport of wrestling. I want to go into a coma reading about wrestling.)

Fannie Flagg... all good. Very much the books you want to read to laugh out loud and live longer.

Wally Lamb.. he only has two books. She's Come Undone (my favorite) and This Much I Know Is True. His third book is actually a compilation of short stories from women in his prison class.

A Girl Named Zippy. I don't remember the author, but I enjoyed. She also wrote a kids book, but it just freaked me out.

As a young teen, I read a very thick book on Negro folklore. I enjoyed it but don't know the title.

I also enjoy any historical books about Harriet Tubman (did you know she was narcoleptic?) and Lizzie Borden (she didn't do it and the little poem about forty whacks and an ax are totally inaccurate.)

Night All

I must go dream about how weird I am.
Heather

Ooopsies

My daughter held me hostage today. I was forced to change liquid poop and practice the ancient art of foot binding with leftover ribbons we found in my craft crate. During the day, she wore a bow in her hair, had a Ms. America sash, was a present, and a Native American. It was great.

The oldest added an entire package of Hormel pepperoni to a can of Chef Boyardee's ABC pasta with meatballs. Then he washed it down with eggnog and ate some mini chocolate chip Teddy Grahams. (Shiver, gulp, grimace.)

The middle child was sent to the principals office for punching two of his friends while his entire grade was at the Clay Center. He bloodied one boys lip. He may or may not make it to Christmas. But I am definitely calling Santa.

My children have nothing on me, however. I destroyed a beloved toy of my friends child. I will be dreaming of my failure to maintain socially acceptable behavior at the homes of others tonight. I think I must go searching on Ebay for its replacement. In lieu of that, perhaps I can interest her in a Wiggles/Lazytown dance pad.

Personal Rantings

This blog entry is my own personal rant this evening. Sorry if it is not entertaining.

I despise adult acne.

I think toddler poop should be outlawed.

I think I should not have to change my toddler's diaper and wear my own diaper in the same day.

I think I should never have another UTI for the rest of my natural life.

I wish there was a pill to make teenagers brains work during their teenage years.

I wish my son didn't like to eat things that make my house smell like a fishing wharf/grease pit.

I am however grateful for friends that find deals at local discount stores and friends that I can call and rant a little to when I don't have time to blog.

I think models should all be a size 18. (Like me)

Cookies are good; I am going to eat them. They will not make me feel guilty. Rest assured!

Night all
Heather

There is something wrong with this picture

So first we need to establish that I am not the timing queen. Then we will proceed to the story.

Yesterday, neighbor Jenny invited me to a local glass factory with her family and friend. We all traveled in my van (spacious indeed). The trip was nice, goods were purchased, conversation was had aplenty. We even spotted bikers soliciting for money in the street. All very nice normal outing experiences.

But somehow on the way back, I started to talk about my older son. When he was born, he had a condition called pyloric stenosis that required surgery when he was four weeks old. Part of that particular story involves me telling the listener that I was sixteen when he was born. Now, I am not embarassed or ashamed of that fact, but I mentioned that my younger son was going to have a hard time adjusting to reality when he figured that out. In his mind, the only way a baby gets born is when people are married and old. I said all of this out loud. Then I realized his four year old best friend was still in the back seat.

My prayer last night involved Eleanor and minute amounts of memory loss. Don't worry Jenny, I was very specific, so I don't think she will suddenly lose the ability to chew or anything.

Thanks again for the outing.

Heather

PS ALWAYS be aware of your copilots when storytelling!!!!