Easter 2011

Easter 2011, a set on Flickr.

Big bunch o silly

Dreams/Nightmares

On a good night, I can dream about good things. Riding a horse in my flowing gowns as my silken hair flows behind in ripples. Even better than having a figure that is fit for flowing gowns, or having my youthful silken hair back, would be the ability to ride the damn horse again. In my dreams, I am able to bound up on the back of a mighty steed and I can run and move lithely. In my dreams, I am freed from the shackles of my crappy body. I like those nights. There is never a real theme or plot to those dreams, just freedom and wind and mobility.

On a dark night, I am likely to dream of my aunt Kay's screams. Those screams will haunt me for the rest of my life. I woke up in paradise to hear those screams ringing out the death of my brother. Those are the worst nights. Sometimes that sweet grey lump in my head likes to mix it up and throw in the emotions and terror that missing children and untimely departures of spouses bring on. I don't look forward to those nights. Why can't we have a menu like those lovely old juke boxes of yesteryear? Just plug in G54 or H72 for a night full of dreaming and smiles?

Today's prayer

Dear Dude in the Sky,

Pretty pretty please help me to make it through this day. It is not yet 9am and I am trapped in this office, alone, with a strep ridden six year old. Did I mention she is watching uninterrupted episodes of the Littles? Loudly. And she doesn't seem to need to stop talking to do it?

So I beseech you to give me truckloads of patience and understanding today. TRUCKLOADS.

Happy Birthday Shannon

On this day in 1977, my parents brought their son into the world. He would have been 34 today. His laughter could melt you. He scrunched up his shoulder and his face and snickered. He always did that. Mom is determined not to fill this day with the sadness of our loss, but the joy that he brought us.

BIRTHDAY BOY


Happy birthday, Shannon! I will always love you.

My give a shit is busted

Everybody knows my brother died. Today was six months since it happened. I feel weird saying anything about it when time has passed, because I don't want to discuss it really. I just want to say all the things I think, shut them in a closet and walk away. I don't want to hear how sorry people are he died. I don't want hugs, most of the time. Because really his death has left me in a feral place. I am a generally pleasant person, at least outwardly. I hide all my icky meanness inside like a good citizen. But lately I feel like a trapped animal. Like I am just waiting for danger to strike and I must stay tensely vigilant to prevent the attack. I want to howl at the moon and beat people for no good reason. When people of no relevance to me pour out their heart about matters that mean absofreakinglutely nothing to me, I want to bare my fangs and rip out their throat and piss on their remains. I want to mark my territory and march along the boundaries with the stink eye ready for those who dare cross it. Because all the things that are wrong cannot be fixed. He is dead. We weren't close as adults. My own mortality is a hair's breath away. My children could die any second. AND THERE ISN"T A BLANKITY BLANK THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. At the cemetery today a man and his friends rode up on four wheelers. I didn't recognize them. They dismounted and approached my father for conversation. They asked if his boy had gone to WVU (they were thinking of our cousin Al's son, Big John). Before I knew what I was doing I had moved to my dad's side and had to bury my face in his shoulder to keep from literally staring this man and his companions down. To keep from saying something evil and mean and designed to chase them off. I have no hackles and yet they were raised and my blood boiled.

I struggle to keep my temper even with those I love and cherish. I want to enjoy every minute as though it could be our last, but I cannot. When Aurelia asks where Shannon is, I know it is her trying to figure out life and death and the hereafter. But all I can think is "I have already told you all I know and I know nothing. SO STOP ASKING." I have an addiction to yarn. Yarn doesn't talk or ask or look at me knowingly. Yarn is yarn until I make it something else. And then it remain inanimate.

Time Marches On

So much happens in March in a normal year. My parents wedding anniversary, birthdays, St. Patty's day.... But this year, it is all a blur. It will mark six months since my brother left us. He would have been 34 this year. Some days I think it will all be ok. It's almost like he isn't gone. We didn't see each other alot, so I can pretend. Then it hits me. And while I am down it hits me again. I am so guilty over all the things that I didn't say or do, over all the things I did say out of spite or anger, over things thought and never uttered... good and bad.

When I'm not riddled with guilt or sadness, I remember all the times we spent together. And wish for more. I wish I had never joked about being the favorite. I wish I had played every game he ever asked me to play. I wish I had listened more to the things he was interested in. Last year, I didn't even think to give him a birthday present. Granted we didn't regularly exchange them, but he surprised me with a purple hippo bank. I scurried around and got him a Shoney's Big Boy on Ebay. And now every day I look at this picture of him and cry. But they aren't all sad tears. Not all of them.

Happy Valentine's Day.....

Children sent to school with box of mandatory valentines. Check.

Aurelia's were filled out, Daniel prefers to hand them out blank.

Children and husband given mandatory chocolates. Check.

Plotting my husband's demise for thinking a peck on the cheek is a good Valentine. CHECK

Perhaps I will be surprised. Perhaps not. It's not a real holiday anyway.

:)

Bliss

This morning I woke from such a wonderful dream. I have no idea what it was or how it went, but it left a residual euphoria that I wish I could bottle. After getting the kids ready and leaving for work, I caught sight of such a beautiful morning sky that it took my breath away. Such vivid, tranquil colors in the clouds and a light breaking through. It assured me that if the afterlife in Heaven is even a fraction as peaceful and joyous as those few moments there is nothing to fear. Little hello's from our departed loved ones may not be loud, but they are everywhere.

2011... twenty years

This was initially supposed to be a post around the first of the year. But I haven't really been plugged into my community in the last few months.

This year will be my twentieth as a mother. So much has changed in two decades that it is surreal to look back and compare then and now.

For instance:

Then: I had never carried a child inside my body. Never nursed a child. Never been fully responsible for a life, including my own.

Now: I have had three beautiful children. My child bearing days are over. I will never again be a biological mother or nurse a child. I am more likely to be a grandmother.

Then: Life revolved around my interests and desires. High ranking issues included music, television, school crushes, etc.

Now: Life revolves around things beyond my control. Safety for my family, food, shelter, instilling values and compassion in the little people I must soon let go.

Then: I had no nieces or nephews. I was a niece.

Now: I have one of each. I love them unconditionally, like my own children, and wish I could see them more.

Then: I had a brother. But no clue what it would be like to lose him.

Now: He is gone and I can't even call him and tell him how much I love him.

Then: I believed when I had children I would have oodles and they would love me because I was super cool and could be talked to about anything.

Now: I have kids, just three, I couldn't be less cool, but they still love me. Just wish the big one would talk to me more.

The last twenty years have flown by. The next twenty will likely go even faster. Tonight I will pop the corn... watch the movie... savor the time.

Ode to Ted (aka The Odor)

Once upon a time, I met this dude named Ted. He seemed like a cool cat, so I said,"Let's hang...".

Ted had better save this for posterity, because I cannot guarantee that I will continue to be so generous with my compliments.

This guy is solid like a rock. He always has my back, in or out of our house. If I want something, he does his best to get it. If I need something, I get it. If I am embarassed, he has the good sense to look away or do something more embarassing himself to distract the attention from me. If I am hurt, he locates the source and extinguishes it. If he can't do that, he holds me and tells me it will be alright. He takes care of everything. The poor boy even mops!

And in return, he has been allowed to breathe! But only when it doesn't bother me...

He is a wonderful husband, father, and friend. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky... then he asks me if I have ever been to Holland and farts under the covers. So it sort of evens out.... :)

Enya... Only Time Lyrics

Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
only time

Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time

Open Letter

First and foremost, I would like to thank to truly caring and dependable people who have been here for my family and I since my brother passed. We appreciate you more than words can say and love you with all our hearts. The following message is not intended for you.

My brother has been gone for a month now. Our family struggles every day to keep our heads above water emotionally and be there for each other. The least helpful thing toward that end is chatterbox gossip hounds spreading conjectures and lies throughout our community. DO NOT assume you know how he died, since even those closest to him do not know yet. The rumors have ranged from the average and mundane to the extreme and beyond belief. Go take a long look in the mirror, then look around at the people you love. If today was your time to go, are you sure that the negative assumptions couldn't be made about you and spread to the people left grieving. If you lost someone you loved and out of nowhere you heard something that cut you like a knife, would you not also be outraged? In life, my brother was a private person. You may have known something about him, but you did not know him unless he wanted you to know him. STOP HURTING HIM AND US. In the end, it will make no difference the cause, because the result is the same. He is gone. We miss him. There is a hole where he used to be and I refuse to have it filled with hate mongers and petty people. Find a new way to entertain yourselves. Learn to read, volunteer with the homeless, help a child. Put something positive back into the world. You'd be surprised at how much good it will do you.

I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.

Camping

We spent this weekend at Grayson Lake in Kentucky. I felt kind of bad leaving and doing something recreational. But it was the last time we could take the kids out for the year and it needed done. There wasn't a cloud in the sky the whole time we were there.

We took the kids out on the pontoon boat and let each kid have a turn driving. The reflection of the sun on their faces and the wind in their hair was so sweet.

We went through the woods and searched for geocaches, or treasure hunting. The kids played on the playground and ran around practicing with their foam bows and arrows. After we were done and settled in for the night, we could hear the other campers singing around their campfire. Sweet guitar and many voices mingled to make the most beautiful hymns you can imagine. The sky was so clear with just a sliver of moon. As I sat there listening, disconnected from everything, with no idea of the time and no need to know, I felt like this was the closest I could get here on earth to the place those I love have gone before me. To have no rush, no worry, no need for anything but the admiration of the simple beauties that are all around us. I know one day I will get there and share it with them. It will have to be enough for now.

Another year... the boy is now 19!

http://hippoxmas.blogspot.com/2009/10/baby-boy-has-hit-big-18.html

My little brother

This week my little brother passed away at age 33. It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem fair that the world just keeps going on, that we keep eating, breathing, talking... I know in my heart that his pain has ended and my tears are for me and my own sadness. I ache for his son. I ache for my parents. I ache for my kids. If you ever met Shannon, you were probably greeted with his silly smile and some goofy thing to say. Unless you were on his bad side. But generally, he was a sweet guy. As kids, I can remember sleeping in his room because I was scared (he had bunk beds). For all the fighting we did, we were just as protective of each other. He couldn't stand it if his friends said anything guylike about mom or me. He was always a backwards kid and would get me to call for anything he wanted out of the ad bulletin. We played Atari together. He held my hand and led me out of the woods when I stepped in a yellow jackets nest and was stung over a hundred times. He hid in the wood box at our old house by stretching out his legs and arms and shimmying up to the ceiling. He made fun of me when I sat on our picnic table and pretended to play guitar and sing to the animals. I took him out of his crib when he was little and took him to my closet to play. We peeled each other's sunburns and bragged over the biggest pieces. He caught a baby turtle and put it in our spring behind the house. I let it go, made turtle tracks with a stick and told him it ran away. He grabbed a vine when we were in the back of the Spradling's truck and flipped out of the bed flat on his back in their driveway. He said groovy all the time and it drove mom nuts. We made up crazy stories on the long and winding drives we endured in the backseat of whatever car our parents were driving us around in. He used to crawl into the space behind my bed and hide. He made me a purse that said "I love you" while I was on my sixth grade trip to DC. He folded a piece of fabric over, sewed the sides, sewed a button and wrote it on...I wish I still had it. I wish I had kept everything he ever gave me. I wish I could hug him again, I want to hear him say something insulting and rotten, I just want to see him. I just want to tell him I love him. That I always loved him, flaws and all. I just want to hold him and tell him it's ok and I hope he is alright.

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

Heather Porterfield: Child advocates needed for court cases - The Herald Dispatch

Heather Porterfield: Child advocates needed for court cases - The Herald Dispatch