Children sent to school with box of mandatory valentines. Check.
Aurelia's were filled out, Daniel prefers to hand them out blank.
Children and husband given mandatory chocolates. Check.
Plotting my husband's demise for thinking a peck on the cheek is a good Valentine. CHECK
Perhaps I will be surprised. Perhaps not. It's not a real holiday anyway.
:)
This morning I woke from such a wonderful dream. I have no idea what it was or how it went, but it left a residual euphoria that I wish I could bottle. After getting the kids ready and leaving for work, I caught sight of such a beautiful morning sky that it took my breath away. Such vivid, tranquil colors in the clouds and a light breaking through. It assured me that if the afterlife in Heaven is even a fraction as peaceful and joyous as those few moments there is nothing to fear. Little hello's from our departed loved ones may not be loud, but they are everywhere.
This was initially supposed to be a post around the first of the year. But I haven't really been plugged into my community in the last few months.
This year will be my twentieth as a mother. So much has changed in two decades that it is surreal to look back and compare then and now.
For instance:
Then: I had never carried a child inside my body. Never nursed a child. Never been fully responsible for a life, including my own.
Now: I have had three beautiful children. My child bearing days are over. I will never again be a biological mother or nurse a child. I am more likely to be a grandmother.
Then: Life revolved around my interests and desires. High ranking issues included music, television, school crushes, etc.
Now: Life revolves around things beyond my control. Safety for my family, food, shelter, instilling values and compassion in the little people I must soon let go.
Then: I had no nieces or nephews. I was a niece.
Now: I have one of each. I love them unconditionally, like my own children, and wish I could see them more.
Then: I had a brother. But no clue what it would be like to lose him.
Now: He is gone and I can't even call him and tell him how much I love him.
Then: I believed when I had children I would have oodles and they would love me because I was super cool and could be talked to about anything.
Now: I have kids, just three, I couldn't be less cool, but they still love me. Just wish the big one would talk to me more.
The last twenty years have flown by. The next twenty will likely go even faster. Tonight I will pop the corn... watch the movie... savor the time.
Once upon a time, I met this dude named Ted. He seemed like a cool cat, so I said,"Let's hang...".
Ted had better save this for posterity, because I cannot guarantee that I will continue to be so generous with my compliments.
This guy is solid like a rock. He always has my back, in or out of our house. If I want something, he does his best to get it. If I need something, I get it. If I am embarassed, he has the good sense to look away or do something more embarassing himself to distract the attention from me. If I am hurt, he locates the source and extinguishes it. If he can't do that, he holds me and tells me it will be alright. He takes care of everything. The poor boy even mops!
And in return, he has been allowed to breathe! But only when it doesn't bother me...
He is a wonderful husband, father, and friend. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky... then he asks me if I have ever been to Holland and farts under the covers. So it sort of evens out.... :)
Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
only time
Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart
Night keeps all your heart
Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time
First and foremost, I would like to thank to truly caring and dependable people who have been here for my family and I since my brother passed. We appreciate you more than words can say and love you with all our hearts. The following message is not intended for you.
My brother has been gone for a month now. Our family struggles every day to keep our heads above water emotionally and be there for each other. The least helpful thing toward that end is chatterbox gossip hounds spreading conjectures and lies throughout our community. DO NOT assume you know how he died, since even those closest to him do not know yet. The rumors have ranged from the average and mundane to the extreme and beyond belief. Go take a long look in the mirror, then look around at the people you love. If today was your time to go, are you sure that the negative assumptions couldn't be made about you and spread to the people left grieving. If you lost someone you loved and out of nowhere you heard something that cut you like a knife, would you not also be outraged? In life, my brother was a private person. You may have known something about him, but you did not know him unless he wanted you to know him. STOP HURTING HIM AND US. In the end, it will make no difference the cause, because the result is the same. He is gone. We miss him. There is a hole where he used to be and I refuse to have it filled with hate mongers and petty people. Find a new way to entertain yourselves. Learn to read, volunteer with the homeless, help a child. Put something positive back into the world. You'd be surprised at how much good it will do you.
I AM FREE
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.
If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.
http://hippoxmas.blogspot.com/2009/10/baby-boy-has-hit-big-18.html
This week my little brother passed away at age 33. It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem fair that the world just keeps going on, that we keep eating, breathing, talking... I know in my heart that his pain has ended and my tears are for me and my own sadness. I ache for his son. I ache for my parents. I ache for my kids. If you ever met Shannon, you were probably greeted with his silly smile and some goofy thing to say. Unless you were on his bad side. But generally, he was a sweet guy. As kids, I can remember sleeping in his room because I was scared (he had bunk beds). For all the fighting we did, we were just as protective of each other. He couldn't stand it if his friends said anything guylike about mom or me. He was always a backwards kid and would get me to call for anything he wanted out of the ad bulletin. We played Atari together. He held my hand and led me out of the woods when I stepped in a yellow jackets nest and was stung over a hundred times. He hid in the wood box at our old house by stretching out his legs and arms and shimmying up to the ceiling. He made fun of me when I sat on our picnic table and pretended to play guitar and sing to the animals. I took him out of his crib when he was little and took him to my closet to play. We peeled each other's sunburns and bragged over the biggest pieces. He caught a baby turtle and put it in our spring behind the house. I let it go, made turtle tracks with a stick and told him it ran away. He grabbed a vine when we were in the back of the Spradling's truck and flipped out of the bed flat on his back in their driveway. He said groovy all the time and it drove mom nuts. We made up crazy stories on the long and winding drives we endured in the backseat of whatever car our parents were driving us around in. He used to crawl into the space behind my bed and hide. He made me a purse that said "I love you" while I was on my sixth grade trip to DC. He folded a piece of fabric over, sewed the sides, sewed a button and wrote it on...I wish I still had it. I wish I had kept everything he ever gave me. I wish I could hug him again, I want to hear him say something insulting and rotten, I just want to see him. I just want to tell him I love him. That I always loved him, flaws and all. I just want to hold him and tell him it's ok and I hope he is alright.
People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust
Daniel had an appendectomy Monday, after his appendix ruptured. We were in the hospital from 7:30am Monday until 5:30 yesterday evening. During the course of our stay these things happened to poor Dan Man:
1. Many people pushed on his sore belly to ask if it hurts..... DUH... the answer is always yes.
2. During an attempt to draw blood and start an IV, they struck an artery. Boo.
3. Because he has thin, deep, thready veins like his mother, his IV was in his shoulder. UGH.
4. He had to try to drink contrast for a CAT scan... mixed with Fruit Punch Gatorade. EPIC FAIL.
5. He was scared he was going to die.
6. His choice to eat a hot dog after surgery.... also, EPIC FAIL.
7. The nurse in the ER had the nerve to ask me if Daniel normally wears diapers. She is lucky to be alive.
But he did get to meet many lovely and kind people who took great care of him while he was there. He did get visitors, including his wonderful teacher, and received gifts, from former teachers and friends and family, and got to see how many people truly care about him. And now that he is on the mend, he takes the time to tell me how much he appreciates it all and he includes me in that. He melts my icy little heart. He even tolerates his little sister petting him to make him softer, to reassure her that he is indeed alive and well.
If anyone heard a sound this evening that they believed would herald the end of the earth, fear not, it was just my daughter getting her first ever bee sting on her toe. There was much wailing and sobbing and rending of garments. Visions of pearly gates were professed to be in her sight and there was much concern that she would get "swelled". We have returned home, bathed the afflicted foot (and the rest just for good measure), applied insect bite wipes, and given her a bandaid. I believe the Earth may be close to returning to its normal spin.
On the way home, we did have to make a pit stop in Kroger. I wound up putting more than just bread and milk in the cart, but was shocked at the nearly $200 tab that was run up. I checked the receipt over, surreptitiously, as the ENTHUSIASTIC cashier (sarcasm heavy here) bagged my things. I had been charged TWICE for a single watermelon.... at $55+ dollars a pop! When I brought it to his attention, he insisted it had been adjusted off. I took the kids over to customer service... a feat in and of itself, as I am prone to leave these things alone.... and received a $106 refund. GREAT SCOTT...
After that fiasco, we got in the car, both kids anxiously eyeing the candy bars they had been given. Aurelia was allowed to devour her Kit Kat, since it was already opened, but Daniel had one of those Baby Bottle Pops.... not car friendly with all that sugary dipping junk. I told him to wait til we got home. At the stoplight, he said " I just can't get that song out of my head".
"Which song", I gullibly asked....
To which he replied, " Nananananananana, nanananana, nanana..... Eat it!"
Four years ago, we packed up our family and made the great journey from Charleston to Huntington. We snuck into this neighborhood and began to claim it as ours. I have been recalling the hectic days and weeks before the move today and the pleasure of meeting our new friends. I was nervous. Unsure of how to fit with people who hadn't known me their entire lives. Unsure what silences on what days would be appropriate to fill in backstory and how much to share.
When we came to this house, Aurelia was not even two. She will be six this summer. She has been housebroken, sleeps through the night, and can form intelligible sentences. We are still working on her high pitched speaking voice and finger chewing.
Daniel was so sad to leave Elkview. Now, he would gladly trade our house for the beach or any other exciting prospect, in theory at least. Meaning he is more open to change that does not require month long mourning. He will be in the last year of elementary school. I cannot bear it.
Cory was a sophmore in high school. Now he is grown and on his own. Little does he know that each time he crosses my mind during the day, I say a little prayer that he will see the great man he can become.
Ted and I will celebrate our eleventh year of marriage and in this house, we have built a home. Full of crazy kids, wacky pets, laughter, and love. I hope to see forty years... fifty years... or more in this house. So thankful am I to have such great family and wonderful friends.
This weekend, Aurelia, my mom, and I are going to fly to Orlando and then drive down to see some of our family. It will be the first time baby girl has flown on a plane. She has been reporting to all who will listen that she is flying to America with mommy and grandma this week. Silly rabbit.
Daniel seems to have accepted that we are not taking him with no trouble at all. There is the prospect that he may get to go camping and that always pleases him, but even more, he realizes that he is in complete control of all entertainment devices and will not need to wrangle his sister for snacks. Life is good. Besides, he got his trip last summer when we went to DC.
Can't wait to get on that plane and spend a little down time with them!
Some of the places that I visited last week:
Blue Grotto Sushi and Tapas
Five Seasons Brewing (Prado)
Azio's
The Colonnade Restaurant
The Hearth
I had a wonderful visit with my family and was pleased to do this child free. I missed the little rats, but this is only my second solo trip in nearly eleven years. It was refreshing to know that I can still function as a an individual outside of motherhood.
