Lighter moments

I have three unrelated stories of varying humor.

1. Over this past year, I have received numerous thank you cards, notices, and invitations from actual teachers with fairly common words that are misspelled. The most recent was the word definitely. Spelled definately. I have even gone so far as to correct a teachers spelling on the dry erase board in my son's first grade class. I could not help myself. But I still have to give the teachers their props. I haven't got the patience to deal with the little creatures. And I would be teaching them new words that would offend no matter how they were spelled.

2. On a trip to Bob Evans with my mother a while back we fought over the check as usual. My mother is notorious for snapping bones in the wrestle for a bill. Like a meal at Bob's is going to bankrupt whoever she is with. She won that round and traipsed her gloating heiny right up to the cashier. She placed the bill and $21 on the counter. The woman just looked at her expectantly. Mom looked back at her quizzically. Mom was waiting for her receipt and the cashier was waiting for the rest of the bill. My poor mother had given quite a tip, the only problem was she was paying the time stamp on the bill. (It is recorded in military time and was something like $18.26). We laughed so hard in the car that adult diapers were needed.

3. My recent volunteer work has led me to some mentoring opportunities with teens. A local bus driver was already doing some of this work and brought me in under his wing. On my first day, I was winding down a session with three girls. The man popped in to say it was time for them to change classes. The dark haired girl in the trio said she had to do a report on Harriet Tubman, so I piped up and offered my tidbit of knowledge. "Maybe I can help you get some extra credit. I happen to know that Harriet Tubman was narcoleptic. She was struck in the head with a weight by a former owner when she was a child." The girl stared at me blankly. The blonde on her right said after a moment,"Does that mean she steals stuff?" I explained that no, she didn't steal things. She would fall asleep at awkward and unpredictable times. Then the girl on the far right said "I wonder if she fell asleep on the road?"

The bus driver said without a flicker of humor "Nah, if she was that bad off, they wouldn'ta give her a drivers license."

No one in that room registered even the most remote flicker of knowing how wrong that was. Harriet Freaking Tubman?! The Underground Railroad?! Really, noone. Are you serious?

Alrighty then!

Sobering Moments

Finding out your well-liked physician is leaving the state to start a practice fifty miles away.

Discovering your pregnant, close enough to your own height friend is still 31 pounds lighter than you are.

Having to tell your husband that the surgery induced lovefest injunction that was lifted less than a week ago will have to be reinstated because I am a UTI wonderland.

When people you love pass away and you can't remember when you last saw them.

Bleeping piece of junk

I have been absent from the blogging scene for a few weeks now. It seems that I will have to use the laptop for anything that requires not being a bleeping piece of junk. I have been reading everyone's blogs and must say you are all very humorous.

But today I must relate my son Daniel's view of the world.....

He has been pretty dreamy with his speech lately. He just kind of lets sentences out in an ethereal breath. But that doesn't mean they make a lot of sense.

Last night he was talking breathily about my homemade chocolate chip cookies. I said I would make some and send them to his class on Monday. He looked lovingly at me and declared,"I knew you were thinking about us. Me and my whole classmates." Sigh.

At bathtime, I was washing him and he asked why I wasn't washing his face. Normally his father washes him like he's possessed and with a mission. I told him I had already washed his face, just gently. He breathed, "I love you more than daddy washes dishes." Um, ok. Then with even more rapture he declared,"I love you even more than you do the dishes." Yup, gotcha. Just dry off

Then he said, " I know how they washed dishes in the 1970's. They had to use a sponge to wash it off and then they put it in the water to dry. Can I wash dishes sometime like they did in the 1970's?" (With puppy eyes and true desire)

Of course, Daniel. Of course.

Mother's Day

My youngest son clearly has issues.

The book he gave me for Mother's Day had question starters that he finished.
For example:

I wonder if... she loves me more than my brother.

I wonder how... she knows what I am doing, like playing Pokemon with Cory.

I wonder when... she will pick me up from school.

And later in the day this conversation took place:

Daniel: I think Dad needs the code for the computer.

Me: Nope. He already knows it.

Daniel: Tell me what it is.

Me: Nope. It's just for grown ups. Ask me when you're forty.

Daniel (son of my loins who was comforted by my loving arms and nourished at my bosom):
When I'm forty you'll already be dead.

So apparently, you should all get your visits in now.
Night all
Heather

The Nature of Things

Rest In Peace
Hamstey/Lenny (the hamster)
July 2005-May 5, 2007

My mother is a saint and has taken all of our children to her home for the weekend. I will have to discover a way to force her to accept a token of appreciation because she just keeps throwing my money back at me.

While our children are gone, Ted and I have driven around in our Super Beetle and just hung out. We have sung old songs and laughed at silly roadside junk.

We passed the cemetery and I asked Ted to pull over. I haven't seen the man who had an oxygen tank there for some time and I have been meaning to check the grave. I learned their names and felt better to see his side of the plaque is not yet engraved with an expiration date.

Before we left for the evening, my husband went to clean the hamster cage. Unfortunately, the poor dear was DOA. An appropriate burial spot was selected and he was interred in the backyard, behind the garage.

Many of you will remember that the moving on of our family dog was not noticed for a VERY long time. Our current plan is to wait until a question is posed to us by Daniel. Then and only then will we be forced to discuss the passing of Hamstey/Lenny.

Maybe it was part of the pet food recall. Maybe it was the unexplained name change halfway through his life. Maybe it was his giant hamster hemorrhoids. Goodbye, Hamstey/Lenny. I will miss your squeaky wheel and your smelly smell.

Night all
Heather

Comedic Relief

Some of the strange quotes from the last narcotic induced week:

Heather to Ted(completely out of the blue, post op): I used your toothbrush! Hahahahahahah.


Heather to every living soul including the maintenance crew at Cabell Huntington to enter her hospital room no matter what hour (in an effort to appear with it and alert):
Good morning! How are you? I am fine. Ok, have a great day!

Heather to nutritionist: I had Jello last night.
Nutritionist: Oh! Well you can move to solid liquids, i.e, oatmeal.
Heather: Um, I'll take the Jello. Thanks anyway.


For anyone who wants a bit of humor, slip Heather any form of narcotic and you will see what a cheap drunk she is. And weird too!

She's back!!!

So there is no need to enforce my living blog will. I survived.

Apparently there was a little extra blood loss and a hard time with some stitches, but I woke up!

Yippee!

I was discharged Tuesday by 3:30pm. Wild, but true. You can have virtually any surgery these days and be out in half an hour.

I have had my first shower and feel a little less greasy. Note to anyone who is interested: Don't take it upon yourself to view your incision. Especially if you are already feeling good. It just makes you a little queasy.

Thank you all for your well wishes and kind words.
Now get back to being mean or go away... LOL
Love
Heather

best game ever

Just ignore my huge heinie!

I should have been a Boy Scout

My motto is always be prepared.

At least when it comes to things involving anesthesia and the potential (I stress only potential) of meeting ones maker.

As such, I have decided I must relay to all of you exactly how to handle my demise. (I am so not a control freak :0)

First off, believe me when I say I am not planning on checking out of this earthly plain anytime soon. But then again, we all know how these things just aren't quite up to us. So rest assured that I am not afraid of the great beyond. While I may qualify as a heathen in many views, I am confident that the higher powers are benevolent and caring. I have no fear (other than your basic mild fear of the unknown) about my soul.

Secondly, I love life and life has loved me. I have made wonderful friends, married a tender and kind man, and given birth to the most beautiful children on earth. I wouldn't change anything (and I mean ANYTHING). I wouldn't be happy and where I am if life hadn't thrown me a curveball now and again. So if you ever felt I was angry with you or that I hadn't formally forgiven you of something be at peace that I have.
In that vein, I would like to know that those I have offended have forgiven me. I extend my apologies to those who have been on the wrong end of my bad moods and ill tempers.

As far as my earthly remains, I would expect my usable parts to be distributed to people who could use them. Whatever is left over, just cremate and spread. Please, oh please, don't let Ted stick me on the mantel. He already vetoed my wish to be taxidermied with hinged knees and a bobble head, so I could rock on the porch and wave to passersby. The nerve.

He is only allowed to have a memorial service if it is to save his sanity. But, to help ease him through the stages of grief, the only songs I wish to have played are "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" by Gayla Peavey and "You Lie and Yo' Breath Stank" by the Infectious Grooves. No mournful hymns and no sad ballads. If you must cry, cry with laughter at memories of my goofy life. PLEASE. I BEG YOU.

Ted will have plenty of memories of me. He and Cory will be able to picture me in their mind years from now if necessary, but the little ones will need to see my face. Show them. Help all three of my babies remember my laugh and not my bark. Help them remember how much I loved them, instead of how often I was angry. But if you see them doing stuff I wouldn't have let them do, jerk a knot in their tail.

Now, if I am able, I will try to communicate from the beyond.
You will recognize the following as signs of such:
1. Cans of Campbells soup appearing in your pillowcase
2. Being goosed by unseen hands
3. Your small children telling you "That lady says I am so cute she wants to eat me!" when no one is around.
4. Getting annoying, little known songs stuck in your head for days!
5. All of your chocolate disappears under mysterious circumstances.

So, now you all know how things should proceed, IF I should go. But I wouldn't count on it happening anytime to soon. I kinda like hanging around here and getting my feathers ruffled by each and every one of you. Besides, I have years of aggravating left in me to get out.

LOVE
Heather

She flung poo

My daughter is a self-confident, assertive, grab the world by the balls kind of righteous chick.

This is what I tell myself so I don't think negative thoughts ALL the time. :0)

In the past weeks, we have had a steady deterioration of our much welcomed good nights sleep. Our sweet little pumpkin face has destroyed all hope of a normal human baby gate being enough to contain her to her room for the purpose of rest. She hurdled a chest high gate without so much as a thought to the amount of clearance below. She could have walked under it, but was so peeved it didn't occur to her.

After constructing many obstacles to her exit, we waited. She screamed, whined, begged, stripped herself, her bed, emptied her dresser and then peed in the floor. Twice.

Next night.
She repeated the above (minus pee, add poo).

Tonight. Tonight she is wearing zip up pj's (thank you donutbabe) backwards. Two hours, but she is asleep. FOR NOW.

Stay tuned. There's more where that came from.

My next blog will be instructions to all of you ne'er do wells about how I wish to be handled and mourned should my date to meet my maker fall on my surgery date. (Disclaimer: I plan to be around a long time. I am not planning on croaking. If I do, I am not afraid.)

So check in tomorrow, all you crazy cats, to see what tunes will be piped in.

Love
Heather

yup, mm hmm

Fisher Price Fun To Learn Potty: $34.95

2 packs of C batteries from the local convenience store: $10.48

Training underwear/pretty incentive underwear: $1,000,000.00

An afternoon of your nude child running around like a loon, pretending to flush her turkey sandwich (realistic sounds courtesy of Fisher Price) while the MOTION SENSOR in the bowl continue to tell her she is GOING POTTY and doing a GREAT JOB: PRICELESS!!!!!

The Hostess with The Mostest

My daughter has been described as the hostess with the mostest by her birth to three workers. She is constantly bringing them things and swishing about making sure she is being seen. So it was no surprise when yesterday my neighbor-friend Jenny was babysitting that she was catered to in a most thorough way. Aurelia escorted our guest to the restroom and then offered her a fistful of extra absorbency tampons. SIGH.....

This morning, she was handing out the super sleek thin maximum absorbency sanitary napkins to Melanie, her 2 year old daughter Lydia, myself and then graciously she went last.

So, if you come for a visit and are offered any type of hygiene item, please don't take offense. I am trying to train her that cookies are always much more well received.

These things take time.

Heather

Crazy kids and dreams

Night before last, I had a dream. Not your average dream of daisies and sunny skies, but a weird dream. I was in my current house, only it seemed like my childhood house. The bed I was in was my supersingle waterbed from that childhood and I was sleeping. I woke to find a high school friend had sidled up beside me to chat. Groggily, I listened. Then Ted flung open the door and said,"Don't come check on you, huh? I'll kill you!!!" (UNTED-like behavior).

It seems after much conscious thought this high school friend lent a movie to Ted and I years ago. It was called American Hollow. The director of that movie was Rory Kennedy and she also directed Ghosts of Abu Ghraib (which I recently taped and saw the director on the View the day before). Such is the working of my sleeping brain.


In other news:

Daniel says today to Ted:

"My gym teacher's name is Mr. Cunningham. I wonder if that is his name because he likes to cut ham?"

Later, Ted says to Daniel:

"Ask him tomorrow."

Daniel replies:

"I already did and he said yes. He likes to cut ham."


THAT BOY.

Cradle of Love

This baby girl has the rhythm down in her heart.

I am fine

Today was my laproscopic doo hickey. I went in around 8 am and came home around 12pm. From what has been relayed to me through the family my doctor spoke with, I have stage three endometriosis. There are a few options for dealing with that and I will discuss them at length with him in our followup appointment. Endometriosis is not deadly, but mostly causes pain. It seems that some of the cells that should slough off of your uterus during menses wander out and make new homes in other places. Then they slough off there too, except they have no escape route and irritate other places. No biggee. Again I am fine, I feel good, and love you all.



Love
Heather

Day out with Daddy

On his day off, Ted took Aurelia to visit with his parents. Here are some pictures.

She came home to tell me all about Mama, Papa, eggs, bugs, sleep, and a bunch of other words she strung together. I think she had a great time. Thanks guys, for keeping her so occupied and happy. Love ya

Heather

Lately

I hear you all asking, "What has that Heather been up to lately?"

Well, today, I worked my son's book fair. Made multiple telephone calls. Picked up prescriptions. Had fingerprints taken for volunteer work. Had blood drawn for upcoming surgery. Cleaned aforementioned son's room with a trash bag and a ruthless cold heart. Then took poor son and even poorer son to see Bridge to Terabithia.

All the while, my husband had our daughter at his parents. It was a busy day, but nonetheless BABY free!

Daniel explained that he was going to date me. I felt I should let him in on the fact that when Daddy dated me he had to hold my hand, feed me, and kiss me. This did not deter my little interfamily dater. Apparently, while he will wed his little sister, I am ok for the dating. Cold chill, vaguely ill feeling.

My clothes arrived from the Indian website. I will share that I am VERY pleased with the fit and will post some pictures soon. I don't plan to be the spokesperson for this site, but if you feel the need to buy some custom fitted clothes that are very comfortable I will refer you. The site is www.eshakti.com and if you use my name and email address with your order, not only will you receive a $25 gift certificate from the company, so will I. Not too shabby.

Night all.
Heather

My dad is sick, my brother is having a 7 millimeter kidney stone surgically removed, and my grandma is selling her house to move to Lewisburg. I hope my dad feels better soon. Shannon, I hope you have a speedy recovery. Granma, I hate to see you go, but as long as your happy.

ENJOY LIFE!

Pink- Dear Mr President - Live

I love this song!

Self Affirmation

I am a good person. I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I take good care of my children and I love them. Just because I stay at home does not make me less than. I have skills. I can type faster than most front desk secretaries and with greater accuracy (including spelling). Just because I can do other, more domestic, tasks does not make me mentally dim.

I am working on a bachelor's degree in social work. I want to help people. It may take me a long time to finish, but I am DOING something in the mean time. I am trying to raise loving, responsible, intelligent, creative, beautiful children. I can't cook well. SO WHAT?! Does it make me less of a good wife? Hell no. If I forced my cooking upon us every night, I could be arrested.

Like so many of you out there like me, don't take the poopy anymore. I wipe shit daily, I don't need it from any of the holier-than-thou working force. I don't need to be reminded that I don't have an income check with my name on it. I don't need to be asked time and again when I will graduate and START my career. My life is good. I like it. So suck it up and face facts. I am fulfilled and happy. Maybe, just maybe, if you have to ask me questions about what I am NOT doing, it may reflect your less than happy life. Just a suggestion.

LOVE to all
Heather