My multiple personalities

As sleep was sneaking up and trying to catch me last night, I was lying in bed unable to stop thinking. Nothing specific, just no off switch for the brain. But near the time I slipped into unconsciousness, this blog occurred to me. And I am indulging it.

Those readers who know me in person may already know the many faces of the hippo. Depending on when the intial meeting happens, I can be viewed as a quiet, subdued, meek, almost fearful appearing individual. If the same person were to meet me in a different setting, one might believe they were meeting my doppelganger. Many times I have found that the quiet side is present when the more approachable, confident side would have been a better match. But as all humans tend to be, I am conflicted and complicated. I am self-deprecating to the point of nausea some days and overly confident on others. From inside my head, I feel like a puppeteer who just can't get all the strings to move like they are supposed to. For instance, and really I am not trying to be smug, I am not a stupid person. In fact, I know lots and lots of things. I might occasionally call my self intelligent, but when something I know about comes up in conversation I am less likely to jump in with the knowlege/opinion than I am when I know very little about the subject. If confidence is being served up on my exterior, you can almost bet the level of inadequacy and nerves on the interior have jumped tenfold. Despite the many layers I know are in here, my perception of my end leans toward shallow. But before you get the idea that I am fishing for opposite opinions or throwing a pity part for myself, understand that I know plenty of people have these thoughts. I know the people that I regard as intelligent, witty, confident, warm and engaging most assuredly have some of, if not all of, the same fears and insecurities. So I wonder why do people feel this way? Would I have been better off media-free, with a different social setting, different examples as a child? I dunno. I grew up with lots of female role models, ranging from meek to mouthy, with nine aunts and a gaggle of other lady relatives. When I was with large settings with my family and other people, I always tried to blend into the wall. Books were my place to be, no discussion required and I got to go to all the different places and see how the people interacted without having to do it myself. Maybe that's what it all comes down to. I have a little of all that experience and info tucked away into crevices in the old noodle and pull them out as needed. The real point is, I may come off as many different versions of me, but the one inside is the one I like the best. I just wish I could bring her out to play more often.