Mixed Mommy

My recent volunteer work has been a mixed bag of blessings.

I have had the opportunity to get out and take action about things that gnaw at my soul. I have been able to see firsthand how important my being able to stay home and take care of my own three kids is. Feeling like I am making any difference while being able to balance it with them is wonderful.

The different thoughts come out when I realize that I don't enjoy playing. When I say that out loud, it sounds like I don't enjoy my children. What I don't enjoy is the actual playing part (watching cartoons, dress up, park playing, pretend games). I didn't enjoy group play as a child. I don't like the outdoors unless I am alone or with sedate group on a mild day. What I do enjoy is the joy my children have when I do those things with them. As much as I personally dislike the activities, knowing that when they grow up they can hold on to memories of us together doing things they liked to do makes me happy.

Then I begin to think of the time that I will be released from this obligation. When cartoons and tea parties and endless conversations about non existent people will be a thing of the past. The part where my life becomes mostly my own again. I long for it and I dread it simultaneously. It will mean my babies don't need that part of me anymore. I will miss them. We will have different relationships and they will grow away from me in ways that will break me. But they will grow. And I will remember how I smelled their hair, marveled at the chunk and smooth of their baby cheek, kissed away boo-boo's, fixed broken toys, mended wounded feelings, explained new things. Maybe they will remember some of it too.

When they fly the nest, I will be beyond ready to pursue a career. I worked before the kids, but never enjoyed my jobs. I had moments in most all of the jobs I held that were enjoyable, but I wasn't making a difference or doing anything I felt important about. I let my mind wander to saying things like "I have to go to a conference." "I'll be away on a business trip that week." "I'll check my calendar, but my secretary will know for sure." Adultish, career-like sentences that don't include references to bowel movements, boogers, imaginary friends. I will enjoy the wide variety of positions that are available with my chosen path. I will savor every moment. But I will know in my heart that this job I have now, the one that tires me out, that really sticks it to me, is the one that defines me. I won't have a retirement party, no goodbye cake, it will just fade into a new part of our life. I'll be free as I weep with joy/sadness.

Am I the only one?