Comedic Relief

Some of the strange quotes from the last narcotic induced week:

Heather to Ted(completely out of the blue, post op): I used your toothbrush! Hahahahahahah.


Heather to every living soul including the maintenance crew at Cabell Huntington to enter her hospital room no matter what hour (in an effort to appear with it and alert):
Good morning! How are you? I am fine. Ok, have a great day!

Heather to nutritionist: I had Jello last night.
Nutritionist: Oh! Well you can move to solid liquids, i.e, oatmeal.
Heather: Um, I'll take the Jello. Thanks anyway.


For anyone who wants a bit of humor, slip Heather any form of narcotic and you will see what a cheap drunk she is. And weird too!

She's back!!!

So there is no need to enforce my living blog will. I survived.

Apparently there was a little extra blood loss and a hard time with some stitches, but I woke up!

Yippee!

I was discharged Tuesday by 3:30pm. Wild, but true. You can have virtually any surgery these days and be out in half an hour.

I have had my first shower and feel a little less greasy. Note to anyone who is interested: Don't take it upon yourself to view your incision. Especially if you are already feeling good. It just makes you a little queasy.

Thank you all for your well wishes and kind words.
Now get back to being mean or go away... LOL
Love
Heather

best game ever

Just ignore my huge heinie!

I should have been a Boy Scout

My motto is always be prepared.

At least when it comes to things involving anesthesia and the potential (I stress only potential) of meeting ones maker.

As such, I have decided I must relay to all of you exactly how to handle my demise. (I am so not a control freak :0)

First off, believe me when I say I am not planning on checking out of this earthly plain anytime soon. But then again, we all know how these things just aren't quite up to us. So rest assured that I am not afraid of the great beyond. While I may qualify as a heathen in many views, I am confident that the higher powers are benevolent and caring. I have no fear (other than your basic mild fear of the unknown) about my soul.

Secondly, I love life and life has loved me. I have made wonderful friends, married a tender and kind man, and given birth to the most beautiful children on earth. I wouldn't change anything (and I mean ANYTHING). I wouldn't be happy and where I am if life hadn't thrown me a curveball now and again. So if you ever felt I was angry with you or that I hadn't formally forgiven you of something be at peace that I have.
In that vein, I would like to know that those I have offended have forgiven me. I extend my apologies to those who have been on the wrong end of my bad moods and ill tempers.

As far as my earthly remains, I would expect my usable parts to be distributed to people who could use them. Whatever is left over, just cremate and spread. Please, oh please, don't let Ted stick me on the mantel. He already vetoed my wish to be taxidermied with hinged knees and a bobble head, so I could rock on the porch and wave to passersby. The nerve.

He is only allowed to have a memorial service if it is to save his sanity. But, to help ease him through the stages of grief, the only songs I wish to have played are "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" by Gayla Peavey and "You Lie and Yo' Breath Stank" by the Infectious Grooves. No mournful hymns and no sad ballads. If you must cry, cry with laughter at memories of my goofy life. PLEASE. I BEG YOU.

Ted will have plenty of memories of me. He and Cory will be able to picture me in their mind years from now if necessary, but the little ones will need to see my face. Show them. Help all three of my babies remember my laugh and not my bark. Help them remember how much I loved them, instead of how often I was angry. But if you see them doing stuff I wouldn't have let them do, jerk a knot in their tail.

Now, if I am able, I will try to communicate from the beyond.
You will recognize the following as signs of such:
1. Cans of Campbells soup appearing in your pillowcase
2. Being goosed by unseen hands
3. Your small children telling you "That lady says I am so cute she wants to eat me!" when no one is around.
4. Getting annoying, little known songs stuck in your head for days!
5. All of your chocolate disappears under mysterious circumstances.

So, now you all know how things should proceed, IF I should go. But I wouldn't count on it happening anytime to soon. I kinda like hanging around here and getting my feathers ruffled by each and every one of you. Besides, I have years of aggravating left in me to get out.

LOVE
Heather

She flung poo

My daughter is a self-confident, assertive, grab the world by the balls kind of righteous chick.

This is what I tell myself so I don't think negative thoughts ALL the time. :0)

In the past weeks, we have had a steady deterioration of our much welcomed good nights sleep. Our sweet little pumpkin face has destroyed all hope of a normal human baby gate being enough to contain her to her room for the purpose of rest. She hurdled a chest high gate without so much as a thought to the amount of clearance below. She could have walked under it, but was so peeved it didn't occur to her.

After constructing many obstacles to her exit, we waited. She screamed, whined, begged, stripped herself, her bed, emptied her dresser and then peed in the floor. Twice.

Next night.
She repeated the above (minus pee, add poo).

Tonight. Tonight she is wearing zip up pj's (thank you donutbabe) backwards. Two hours, but she is asleep. FOR NOW.

Stay tuned. There's more where that came from.

My next blog will be instructions to all of you ne'er do wells about how I wish to be handled and mourned should my date to meet my maker fall on my surgery date. (Disclaimer: I plan to be around a long time. I am not planning on croaking. If I do, I am not afraid.)

So check in tomorrow, all you crazy cats, to see what tunes will be piped in.

Love
Heather

yup, mm hmm

Fisher Price Fun To Learn Potty: $34.95

2 packs of C batteries from the local convenience store: $10.48

Training underwear/pretty incentive underwear: $1,000,000.00

An afternoon of your nude child running around like a loon, pretending to flush her turkey sandwich (realistic sounds courtesy of Fisher Price) while the MOTION SENSOR in the bowl continue to tell her she is GOING POTTY and doing a GREAT JOB: PRICELESS!!!!!