Time Marches On

So much happens in March in a normal year. My parents wedding anniversary, birthdays, St. Patty's day.... But this year, it is all a blur. It will mark six months since my brother left us. He would have been 34 this year. Some days I think it will all be ok. It's almost like he isn't gone. We didn't see each other alot, so I can pretend. Then it hits me. And while I am down it hits me again. I am so guilty over all the things that I didn't say or do, over all the things I did say out of spite or anger, over things thought and never uttered... good and bad.

When I'm not riddled with guilt or sadness, I remember all the times we spent together. And wish for more. I wish I had never joked about being the favorite. I wish I had played every game he ever asked me to play. I wish I had listened more to the things he was interested in. Last year, I didn't even think to give him a birthday present. Granted we didn't regularly exchange them, but he surprised me with a purple hippo bank. I scurried around and got him a Shoney's Big Boy on Ebay. And now every day I look at this picture of him and cry. But they aren't all sad tears. Not all of them.