Invisible

I recently had a revelation and it set in motion a number of changes in my life. For the majority of my life I have intentionally endeavored to cloak myself in a cape of invisibility. Part of it may have begun as an awkward kid, too tall for her own good and not yet comfortable in her own skin. As I grew, it was quite easy for me to hang back and blend in with the walls. It made it easier for me to slip into social groups and watch how the "normal" kids behaved before I did something to embarass myself. Now, anyone who has known me for a length of time knows that the shyness and reluctance to assert myself wears off after a bit. But for the remainder of the world at large, who I may only encounter in passing or in spurts, I remained a fly on the wall. An observer over a participant. Then I took a trip out of the country... alone, sans children and husband. And while I was there I really sort of saw myself. And realized I hadn't been just making myself invisible to everyone else. I had been struggling to remain invisible to ME, but had tricked myself by plastering on the smile I usually wear and keeping a positive attitude. Fortunately, the kick in the pants I had been needing forced me to do a total inventory of how I operate the business that is my life. BLAND and BORING was the verdict. No color or spice or anything to draw attention. On the trip I wore nothing but flowy dresses out of sheer convenience. So I carried that home with me, and even went out to get some more... and stopped wearing my hair in a ponytail.. and stopped eating all the time. I began to move more and exercise a little and draw attention to myself on purpose, quietly in ways that weren't too over the top... dangly earrings, or high heels... I am steadfast that I will not only be noticed by people, but that I will notice myself. That I will acknowledge the good things that I have inside, embrace the good things I have outside, and gain the ability to be proud of myself. I have sons who need to see me as a strong, beautiful (you have no idea how hard it is to write that about myself), intelligent person who demands respect and deserves it. I also have a daughter, who really doesn't lack in those areas, but needs to see that ideal reinforced every day. I never want her to hug the wall in a corner afraid to make her mark on the world. I am my own worst enemy, with a vicious inner voice that says I am being obnoxious or overbearing or attention seeking. But I am choosing to ignore that. I have imposed too many ridiculous rules and censors on who I am for too long. Look out world, my freak flag is flying and Helen Reddy is blaring!