Full Grown Man

It's arrived. So fast, I can hardly believe it wasn't just yesterday that I held that baby for the first time. Saw him toddle toward me, heard him saw mama for the first time, had a big slobbery kiss, helped him write his name, watched him throw a tantrum, his first day of school, his first heartbreak, his first dance, his first summer at camp.... My God, today he can vote, smoke (but he better not), drink (only in moderation), go off to war if he chose, marry,.... all these things he can do alone. No need to hold my finger to get his balance. No looking over his shoulder to be sure it's ok... But what I hope he realizes for the rest of his days, is that my hand will always be there to hold. My arms will always be open. Because even when he is old and grey and feeble, that big ol man will still be my baby. Happy Birthday, Cory...

Invisible

I recently had a revelation and it set in motion a number of changes in my life. For the majority of my life I have intentionally endeavored to cloak myself in a cape of invisibility. Part of it may have begun as an awkward kid, too tall for her own good and not yet comfortable in her own skin. As I grew, it was quite easy for me to hang back and blend in with the walls. It made it easier for me to slip into social groups and watch how the "normal" kids behaved before I did something to embarass myself. Now, anyone who has known me for a length of time knows that the shyness and reluctance to assert myself wears off after a bit. But for the remainder of the world at large, who I may only encounter in passing or in spurts, I remained a fly on the wall. An observer over a participant. Then I took a trip out of the country... alone, sans children and husband. And while I was there I really sort of saw myself. And realized I hadn't been just making myself invisible to everyone else. I had been struggling to remain invisible to ME, but had tricked myself by plastering on the smile I usually wear and keeping a positive attitude. Fortunately, the kick in the pants I had been needing forced me to do a total inventory of how I operate the business that is my life. BLAND and BORING was the verdict. No color or spice or anything to draw attention. On the trip I wore nothing but flowy dresses out of sheer convenience. So I carried that home with me, and even went out to get some more... and stopped wearing my hair in a ponytail.. and stopped eating all the time. I began to move more and exercise a little and draw attention to myself on purpose, quietly in ways that weren't too over the top... dangly earrings, or high heels... I am steadfast that I will not only be noticed by people, but that I will notice myself. That I will acknowledge the good things that I have inside, embrace the good things I have outside, and gain the ability to be proud of myself. I have sons who need to see me as a strong, beautiful (you have no idea how hard it is to write that about myself), intelligent person who demands respect and deserves it. I also have a daughter, who really doesn't lack in those areas, but needs to see that ideal reinforced every day. I never want her to hug the wall in a corner afraid to make her mark on the world. I am my own worst enemy, with a vicious inner voice that says I am being obnoxious or overbearing or attention seeking. But I am choosing to ignore that. I have imposed too many ridiculous rules and censors on who I am for too long. Look out world, my freak flag is flying and Helen Reddy is blaring!

Mother's heartbreaks

Mother's day is coming up. And tonight my youngest son told me I am a good mom. I watched my daughter play soccer in a field of fading light. And still this evening I am haunted by all the mistakes I have made as a mom. Trust me there are plenty and some of them are doozies. If asked, my oldest would say I made them all with him. And he would be close to right. He was the first. Nine years between him and the "little ones". I was young, just sixteen, alone, scared and inexperienced. That excuses some of the mistakes. But not all of them. As mother's day approaches, I have doubts and second guesses about what went right and what went horribly wrong. They aren't all grown yet. Even the big grown up one isn't fully formed yet (although he would argue that he absolutely is). I hope I am around to see them and know that the important things stuck and the mistakes get to fade away into the fabric of our shared history. Because no matter what they may say, or do, I will love each one of them with every fiber of my being until I am no longer on this mortal coil. And whatever comes after, I will love them there too. While I didn't make history as the first mother ever to get everything right, I can at least take a smidge of solace that I haven't made the news for how horribly wrong it went along the way.

Gooey goodness of life

Yesterday, Aurelia did a faceplant on the playground parking lot at school. Nothing like a little road rash to brighten one's day, so she got to have a fashion show with her new clothes. It doesn't take much to get her to say I am better than her daddy... :)

This morning, I promised to take Daniel to spend the $10 that is burning a hole in his pocket. He has some Westest stuff that I wanted to make sure he was motivated to do. He looked at me and said "Don't take me to the toy section. It's all just overpriced crap..." It was then that I knew he has a giant and wrinkly brain full of valuable knowledge.